I stopped being a ‘nice guy’ and got the relationship I always wanted
How to stop exhausting yourself trying to be who you think others want.
Ever sense that your partner is upset with you and then try hard to do nice things for them and it not work? That was me until a few years ago.
I used to be a “nice guy,” the man who’d bend over backwards to appear like the kind of man I thought woman wanted me to be.
The man who’d try to be attentive and present 24/7. Who’d clean the dishes every night. Who’d offer to pay for every dinner as a gesture but then get annoyed inside when the other person would take me up on it. Who’d always smile and say, “It’s all good,” even if I felt inconvenienced. Who’d go with the flow when making plans. Who’d write songs and poetry to impress women. Who’d try my hardest to be the opposite of the angry, controlling, emotionally distant men who women say they don’t want.
Then it stopped working. Or I realized it had rarely worked in the first place, yet I was still burned out, worn down, and exhausted.
So, I tried something different.
I went to therapy and learned it can be okay to say how I actually feel. To show the “dark,” “bad,” edgy parts of myself. To not have to work so damn hard to appear a certain way. To trust that if something goes sideways with somebody, we can talk through it. To not rely on my partner’s love and adoration for all of my emotional support.
Now, I’m in a relationship that allows me to be me, with all the stuff I always wanted. There’s mutual respect and admiration for each other’s differences. There’s deep emotional connection and belly-laughing fun, with plenty of space for myself too. There’s great sex that’s only getting better as we continue to talk about it.
Sometimes things aren’t going so great and something feels “off.” I can slip into my old “nice guy” habits, thinking I need to be a certain kind of guy to make her want to be close with me again. But I’ve learned it’s not all about me. We’re on a team together. She has stuff going on too. We can check in and talk about it. The answer is always to check in and talk about it.
Here’s what nobody told those of us who were taught to keep our emotional needs to ourselves:
The more we expose our true, messy selves, the more people will love us. Not all people; some people. The people who are supposed to be in our lives. Who we’re meant to be around.
And even if other people might not be attracted to or understand us, they might respect or even like us because we’re being real. We’re not trying to unconsciously manipulate them—which is what being a “nice guy” is meant to do.
When I finally got this I started attracting people—lovers, friends, colleagues—who both let me be myself and expected the best of me. I stopped feeling lonely so often because I created deep relationships with friends beyond the one I have with my partner. I stopped feeling so burned out all the time from trying to keep up the “nice guy” image.
Here’s how I got here:
First, I went to therapy. My therapist helped me identify and become more aware of my “nice guy” patterns. The people-pleasing stuff I say to my partner when I sense she’s upset. The urge I get to do the dishes, buy her a gift, or make her the best dinner ever. The feeling in my body that I’m standing on my toes, off balance, falling forward.
Then she helped me figure out when these patterns started in my childhood, and who I first felt them with. As you’d imagine, it was with my parents.
Then she helped me find a new way to relate to the little boy inside of me who thinks I need to be a “nice guy” to get the love and attention I so deeply want. I learned I didn’t have to either let him be in charge of me or keep him locked away. I learned that he could help me be kind, which is different and less manipulative than being nice.
Then I joined a therapy group. I practiced getting into conflict with other people and then “repairing” with them—clearing the air, apologizing if it feels genuine, getting back into connection with each other.
It’s not like I had to try to get into conflict. It just happened. I learned that I’m bound to be annoyed, frustrated, even angry at someone at some point if I’m around them long enough. We all are. It’s human.
I used to hide those feelings so I could look like a “nice guy.” I didn’t do it consciously. That little boy inside of me did it automatically without me even knowing. Because he used to have to do that with my parents before he knew there was any other way to be.
My group therapist helped build emotional trust and safety between me and the other group members, so I didn’t have to hide my feelings anymore. I learned that I could share my feelings, even the “dark,” potentially hurtful ones, as long as I did it authentically and kindly. And even if the other person gets hurt, we can usually work through it together. Again, by checking in and talking about it.
Why men can stay stuck in “nice guy” patterns
Men are socialized to avoid asking for help because it makes us seem “soft” and weak, which makes us feel vulnerable and potentially unsafe. I still struggle with it, and I’m a therapist who works primarily with men and runs men’s groups.
I just moved to a new house and insisted on moving everything myself, because that’s how I was brought up. You take care of yourself. If not, you’re lazy. I wish I could’ve accepted help from friends who offered. But it felt scary to let go of control, so I avoided it.
Many men think we have to figure out this stuff on our own. We might listen to podcasts or read books like Robert Glover’s No More Mr. Nice Guy. I did that for years before I went to therapy. I didn’t start actually changing until I got help from a therapist and other people in group therapy.
Finding the right therapist is key (here’s how to do it). I recommend finding a therapist who uses “trauma-informed,” “somatic” types of therapy, like Internal Family Systems (IFS) or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). My experience is we can’t think or simply talk our way out of these patterns. They exist in the body (or more precisely, the nervous system).
Now, a question for the comments below (or email me at jeremy@mohler.coach): Do you notice any “nice guy” tendencies in yourself or your partner? If so, how do they make you feel?
P.S. If you become a paid subscriber for $5/month, you could have your questions answered in my occasional Q&A posts—plus you’ll get the warm feeling of supporting this project!
Ready to start making changes to get the life, relationship, and/or career you really want?
I can help you find a therapist, men’s group, or other resources to help you along on your journey. Email me: jeremy@mohler.coach.
Fellow recovering nice guy here and couldn't agree more with the freedom piece. Still catch myself falling back into old patterns, but I'm also able to stand firm in my masculine more often and turns out that is pretty positive for my relationship with my wife.
Enjoyed reading this. It felt very open and honest and from the heart. And vulnerable. Thank you for sharing.
And this also applies to anyone - gender neutral. I have had similar feelings of trying to be the best version for someone else only to find that it doesn’t work, and the need to do it all myself without asking for help.
It’s amazing what change openness with the right person in the right relationship can bring.