A brilliant essay from Emma Lindsey, I have never looked at how men transmute their own sexual and body shame onto women this way. Great share, I had several "ah-ha" moments!!
Thank you for posting this. I'd never come across it before and found it to be a perspective I hadn't heard. I will definitely be changing how I compliment my wife.
Loved this piece. I tend to be a bit more supportive of nuclear family structures given their role in promoting both intranational migration and this economic/cultural dynamism, but you do describe a very real emotional cost. Men can (and should) learn from women on cultivating deep same-sex friendships when they move into a new community.
“How do those of us committed to a more egalitarian, actually safe, less exploitative, truly healthier vision of society convince more men to join us? How do we bring more men into our movements?”
I think it starts with acknowledging and holding space for their pain, then convincing them that there’s a better way forward. We’re not going to “shame” our way out of this.
I think the work you’re doing is so important— thank you!
Very interesting read as a woman. Quite sad really. We all need more community.
It boggles the mind, as most women I know take joy in aging and losing the disgusting sexual attention we’ve received since we were 10 years old. Turn 30 and suddenly it begins to disappear, the leers to physical touch attempts. It’s also at this time that many women really begin not to care what others think about heir bodies and become more confident.
Beautifully expressed. I know you are speaking to body image and ways we seek connection but it brought to mind one of my favorite Leonard Cohen quotes: “A friend and I had a conversation about the stages a man goes through in relation to his allure to the opposite sex. It was not a scientific evaluation. Just something that arose over a cup of coffee. It went something like this. You start off irresistible. And then you become resistible. Then you become transparent. Not exactly invisible, but as if you’re seen through old plastic. And then you do actually become invisible. And then— and this is the most amazing transformation— you become repulsive. But that’s not the end of the story. After repulsive, you become cute. And that’s where I am.”
What you describe you’re wishing for is my childhood exactly in a neighborhood of row houses in Rogers Forge. We had a nuclear family, but very interconnected with the neighborhood. And not much privacy now that I think about it!
You can have a family and a home and still be part of a community.
This had to be a bummer to synthesize and write, thank you for sharing. I hate the attachment people have to these meat suits, and how they use them to feel superior to others! You are a great writer and seem to be a good human, and that should be the end of it. As my kid would say, fuck the haters.
Thanks! It actually was kind of fun to write :) What's been a bummer is reading the hateful comments on my Instagram. But some part of me keeps wanting to make content, regardless of the many body-shaming comments flying in.
Thank you for sharing this lovely insightful piece Jeremy. It’s an eye opener on men’s vulnerability and need for connection it is very educational I must say.
Thank you for speaking to this vulnerably Jeremy.
"Thanks to a commenter on a previous post for sharing this post that deepened my understanding of what women are up against." https://emmalindsay.medium.com/why-does-dating-men-make-me-feel-like-shit-12c25e539021
A brilliant essay from Emma Lindsey, I have never looked at how men transmute their own sexual and body shame onto women this way. Great share, I had several "ah-ha" moments!!
Thanks for reading! And yeah, I've read that post a few times now and want to keep reading it until I reallllllly get it.
I bookmarked it as well, I will go back to it many more times!!
Thank you for posting this. I'd never come across it before and found it to be a perspective I hadn't heard. I will definitely be changing how I compliment my wife.
Loved this piece. I tend to be a bit more supportive of nuclear family structures given their role in promoting both intranational migration and this economic/cultural dynamism, but you do describe a very real emotional cost. Men can (and should) learn from women on cultivating deep same-sex friendships when they move into a new community.
“How do those of us committed to a more egalitarian, actually safe, less exploitative, truly healthier vision of society convince more men to join us? How do we bring more men into our movements?”
I think it starts with acknowledging and holding space for their pain, then convincing them that there’s a better way forward. We’re not going to “shame” our way out of this.
I think the work you’re doing is so important— thank you!
As a complement to this discussion, consider this podcast from pandemic period which points to the value of tiny interactions during our regular lives in addition to the deep connections we have with family and friends. https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/hidden-brain/id1028908750?i=1000585403610
I hate Instagram. It’s nearly as toxic as X with more algorithmic supervision by Zuck Inc.
Very interesting read as a woman. Quite sad really. We all need more community.
It boggles the mind, as most women I know take joy in aging and losing the disgusting sexual attention we’ve received since we were 10 years old. Turn 30 and suddenly it begins to disappear, the leers to physical touch attempts. It’s also at this time that many women really begin not to care what others think about heir bodies and become more confident.
Thank you for this beautiful tender and honest piece. So grateful for your generosity in sharing your feelings and some really vulnerable truths!
Beautifully expressed. I know you are speaking to body image and ways we seek connection but it brought to mind one of my favorite Leonard Cohen quotes: “A friend and I had a conversation about the stages a man goes through in relation to his allure to the opposite sex. It was not a scientific evaluation. Just something that arose over a cup of coffee. It went something like this. You start off irresistible. And then you become resistible. Then you become transparent. Not exactly invisible, but as if you’re seen through old plastic. And then you do actually become invisible. And then— and this is the most amazing transformation— you become repulsive. But that’s not the end of the story. After repulsive, you become cute. And that’s where I am.”
What you describe you’re wishing for is my childhood exactly in a neighborhood of row houses in Rogers Forge. We had a nuclear family, but very interconnected with the neighborhood. And not much privacy now that I think about it!
You can have a family and a home and still be part of a community.
This had to be a bummer to synthesize and write, thank you for sharing. I hate the attachment people have to these meat suits, and how they use them to feel superior to others! You are a great writer and seem to be a good human, and that should be the end of it. As my kid would say, fuck the haters.
Thanks! It actually was kind of fun to write :) What's been a bummer is reading the hateful comments on my Instagram. But some part of me keeps wanting to make content, regardless of the many body-shaming comments flying in.
Honest. The over dependence on the romantic partner and wall up for everyone else rings very true.
Thank you for sharing this lovely insightful piece Jeremy. It’s an eye opener on men’s vulnerability and need for connection it is very educational I must say.
Thanks for sharing! also sorry about the comments, i dont understand why people are so mean
🙏❤️🔥