Men are doing more housework than ever. Why is it still not enough?
A therapist's advice on navigating relationship conflict about chores.
Relationship conflict about household chores, including childcare, is a pervasive and complicated issue that can’t be solved with one newsletter post, but here’s my advice:
Get on the same page with your partner about how outrageously unfair housework is in this society.
How unfair it is that women often get stuck with too much of it—while being told they’re “naturally” good at it, so when they inevitably come up short on getting it all done, they tend to blame themselves instead of society’s impossible expectations.
How unfair it is that men today are doing far more housework than our fathers and grandfathers, yet so many women are still feeling overworked, burned out, and justifiably angry about it.
How unfair it is that no one gets paid for it—besides housecleaners, nannies, and other domestic workers, often black and brown women, who get paid low wages with little to no job protections.
How unfair it is that all of us who aren’t super rich have to work too many hours at our jobs and then come home to a ton of unpaid work just to make it to the next workday.
How unfair it is that many of our laws and policies are designed to promote marriage, monogamy, and the nuclear family, discouraging collective living and family arrangements that were how humans lived for 99 percent of our history before capitalism.
How unfair it is that these days it takes most families two incomes to pay the bills, yet billionaires in the U.S.—Donald Trump, Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, Betsy DeVos, and their private jet-owning friends—saw their collective wealth nearly double in the past four years.
How unfair it is that these rich and powerful people aren’t paying enough in taxes, so the government can’t give enough support to make it a little easier for families to get by—meanwhile the Trump administration is shamelessly trying to figure out ways to increase the country’s birth rate.
How unfair it is that they want to take us back to the late 1800s, when Trump says America was “at our richest”—when most working-class women were forced to work alongside men outside the home for barely enough money to afford their family’s basic needs and with little time left for childcare and other household chores, leading to what sociologists John Bellamy Foster and Brett Clark describe as the “almost complete disintegration of the working-class family.”
My point is you and your partner are up against a lot.
Yes, discussing how you feel about the unfairness between the two of you is crucial. Couples therapy can help. Making spreadsheets and dividing the labor (and management of the labor) in a way that feels fair to both of you will go a long way.
If you’re a man, take a hard look at the messages you’ve been force-fed telling you that household chores, childcare, building social connections, and other forms of so-called “women’s work” aren’t as important and valuable as “real” work at a job. Your leisure time isn’t more important than your partner’s.
But if you and your partner can see yourselves as on the same team—a team getting badly beat right now by super rich people who want you to be worn out and exhausted every day because that means they’re squeezing as much labor out of you as they possibly can—it might feel just a little bit easier to find solutions that work good enough for both of you.
I say “good enough” because that’s all we can expect until we can get together and change how this society is organized. Until we can build enough people and worker power to redistribute the wealth and free time being hoarded by those billionaires. Until we can win shorter work weeks with higher pay for all workers, publicly funded childcare, more parental leave, and other forms of support for families.
And if you’re a woman in a relationship with a man who isn’t doing enough, I want you to hear me clearly: I do not mean to minimize your misery, your frustration, your rage, whatever you’re feeling about your relationship. You understandably don’t have the time or patience to wait for society to change. You need your partner to step up today, right now. I’m sorry that they are treating you that way. It’s unfair. Really fucking unfair.
Need help getting on the same page? Here are some books, podcasts, and articles to discuss together:
Feminism for the 99 Percent - by Cinzia Arruzza, Tithi Bhattacharya, and Nancy Fraser (also streaming free on Spotify Premium)
“Capitalism’s Crisis of Care” - an interview with feminist philosopher Nancy Fraser
“The Lockdown Showed How the Economy Exploits Women. She Already Knew.” - an article about socialist feminist Silvia Federici
“Wages for Housework” - podcast episode on Unsung History
“What Makes Women Clean” - a post by Anne Helen Peterson
Let me know your thoughts in the comments below (or email me: jeremy@mohler.coach). How do you feel about the distribution of housework in your relationship?
— Jeremy
Working as a team was a big mind shift for me. I was once the guy (probably still am in ways) that felt like it was me vs. her when it came to chores, and I was always losing. She sent me an article about invisible labour and the mental load and I did not take it well. I was upset and pulled the ole, "What am I not good enough?" before storming out of the house to do a performative grocery shop. I won't go through the details of what helped me make the shift but once I did things got a lot better. So much so I'm the one who has stepped back from his career to be the homemaker (turns out I'm pretty decent at it when I'm not whining). But seeing my wife and I as a team fighting against a common enemy (the corporate world, patriarchy) has really helped both of us. Great post 🙏
Yes!
"But if you and your partner can see yourselves as on the same team—a team getting badly beat right now by super rich people who want you to be worn out and exhausted every day because that means they’re squeezing as much labor out of you as they possibly can—it might feel just a little bit easier to find solutions that work good enough for both of you.
I say “good enough” because that’s all we can expect until we can get together and change how this society is organized. Until we can build enough people and worker power to redistribute the wealth and free time being hoarded by those billionaires. Until we can win shorter work weeks with higher pay for all workers, publicly funded childcare, more parental leave, and other forms of support for families."