Why men should care that women are exhausted by doing too much housework and child care
"Providing and protecting" isn’t enough anymore.
I’m stuck and need your help, ya’ll. I wanted to write about the unequal division of housework again, a subject I’ve discussed a few times before. But I keep waffling between two extreme ways to think about it, neither feeling like the full truth.
Part of me wants to explain to men in straight relationships why it’s important to pick up the slack at home and offer advice on how to do it. I want men to understand that women are justifiably exhausted (and frustrated, many even enraged) by the unfair amount of housework and care work falling on their shoulders.
These are real stats, I swear: Women in the U.S. are doing, on average, twice as many hours of this extra work per week than men. An estimated $11 trillion of unpaid domestic and care work is performed each year, and three-quarters of it falls on women.
I want men to realize that it’s not about making women happy, but that their relationship could be at stake, especially if they have kids or are planning to. Tons of women are talking about this. They’re supporting each other through it. They’re trying to figure out what to do. Some are ending relationships because of it. Others are choosing to not have kids. Others are avoiding romantic relationships altogether.
Yet another part of me wants to explain (mansplain?) that the ultimate solution isn’t just about getting men to wash more dishes, plan more social engagements, and manage more of the seemingly infinite hours of unpaid, unnoticed work that goes into a household and family. Getting men to change one by one isn’t going to solve this. It’s bigger than that.
Capitalism—especially American capitalism—forces all of us who work for a living to work way too many hours while also somehow being able to fit in housework, child care, haggling with health insurance companies, and all the other bits of adulting it takes to make it through the day.
We all need to work less hours (for the same pay). Families need publicly funded child care and more hours of parental leave. We need a transformative shift in how we organize society and our communities away from creating profit for a small handful of rich people toward making sure all of us have the care and resources we need.
So, I’m going to do what I’ve learned to do when I feel stuck.
I’m going to be as transparent as I can. And I’m going to be curious and ask questions. Because this is a big deal, and I’m confused about what the solution is.
As a therapist who helps men, many in their 20s, 30s, and 40s, unequal distribution of housework seems like THE problem facing American families right now. On top of, you know, the ongoing billionaire takeover of the government, the gutting of what little social safety net we have in this country, the fascist attack on free speech, the skyrocketing cost of basic needs like housing, the supercharging of the climate crisis, and so many other crises.
I think men in straight relationships need to step up.
We need to do more at home and in our community. We need try to get to a 50-50 split on not just doing things around the house but also managing things—setting up the doctor’s visits, tracking the family calendar, planning social events. We need to learn how to manage our own emotions (with the help of friends, community, and therapy), so we’re not adding more emotional care work to her plate. We need to go to therapy and join a men’s group to unlearn so-called “traditional” ideas about gender that are not only outdated but also were never really traditional in the first place.
AND I think men shouldn’t feel ashamed that we struggle with this.
The owner’s manual we’ve been given for being a man says very little about housework and care work. If anything, it tells us to disrespect it. Our society makes it seem like anything outside of working a job or owning a business is unproductive. We don’t get paid for washing dishes or changing diapers or setting up dinner parties with friends. These things don’t add anything to the nation’s GDP. They aren’t included in quarterly job reports. They don’t seem to be part of the economy.
AND I think all of us—regardless of gender—need to do even more work in our neighborhoods, at our workplaces, and at the local, state, and federal levels of government to organize and fight back against the rich and powerful people who are rigging the system in their favor.
We need people power, a strong labor union movement, and elected leaders who feel like they have to stand up for us or they’ll be voted out. We need laws, policies, and norms that support working people, families, and communities, rather than supporting a small handful of billionaires, corporate executives, and Wall Street banks.
I think all of those things at the same time. I don’t think one of them is the only right way to approach this crisis facing so many relationships and families.
What do you think the answer is? How do you feel about the division of labor in your relationship and/or family?
— Jeremy
P.S. If you become a paid subscriber for $5/month, you could have your questions answered in my occasional Q&A posts—plus you’ll get the warm feeling of supporting this project!
I’m Jeremy, a licensed therapist on a mission to help men and couples have better relationships. Learn more about what makes great relationships, download resources, get help finding a therapist or men’s group, and more at jeremymohler.blog.
***FYI: All Make Men Emotional Again content is provided for informational and education purposes only. None of it is intended to be a substitute for professional medical or psychological diagnosis, advice, or treatment. Information provided does not create an agreement for service between Jeremy Mohler, LCPC and the recipient. Consult your physician regarding the applicability of any opinions or recommendations with respect to your medical condition.***
There’s also an upside to engaging in all this labor that women are stuck with. It connects you. In tiny ways throughout the day, doing this work weaves you into the fabric of other people’s lives. It connects you to your own kids when you know who their dentist is, how they respond the experience of going to the dentist, what movie was playing in the waiting room. It connects you to your wife when you know what shirts can’t go in the dryer and why she really doesn’t want that sweater to shrink. You only learn these little things by participating in the drudgery of day to day living. But that participation in the small things is an “in”- and it goes beyond the nuclear family. Knowing who is about to have a baby and needs support with meal prep, whose parent is gravely ill and needs their lawn mowed is an in for connection. Maybe you don’t become best bros with the neighbor but you have one more connection to your community, one more person to talk to, one more thread connecting you to humanity. It takes work to pay attention to these things, but connection is a powerful upside.
Man here. Most men don't realize how much better their relationships can be when they step up to the plate. I strive for equal exhaustion! ;)