As a trans man (age 36, just 2 years on T), it's been like i've been slapped. It's so different, and honestly, it feels like i've given up the right to be seen as human - the most important right of all.
Just because I put on T gel everyday and now look like a man. But I grew up as a girl/woman. I don't know how to hide all my emotions, and I know that isn't healthy anyway so why would I try? I refuse. I'm all for expressing emotions in a healthy way of course, but hiding them completely isn't healthy. It feels like i've been told that now I need to look like a robot, emotionless, aka - not human. Humans have emotions.
Testosterone hasn't changed who I am. It's just made me happier and more confident in myself because now I feel like me and like who I see in the mirror. And of course i'm hairier, have a deeper voice etc. But the core of who I am? Still me. Still human. My emotions haven't changed inside. Granted it is harder to cry now for some reason. But I still can, just not as much.
Isn’t it odd that so many women on Substack complain of feeling exhausted by the amount of emotional as well as practical work when they’re in relationships, and now some men are claiming the same thing. I guess we are all overworked and under resourced, especially with emotional energy in the face of current cultural and political change, but I really hope this doesn’t get competitive. That really wouldn’t be helpful to anyone.
I completely agree that women and men find being human in our culture exhausting! I'd love for this to be a reason for us to come together on this topic. And I think a lot of women would LOVE it if men stopped performing manhood and took back some of that energy to be emotional and human instead. That's the insidious aspect of these stereotypes; they tell us lies about what normal is. That said, I think all genders would benefit from learning to validate each others' feelings of exhaustion instead of retreating into defensiveness.
"But men feel like we have to push it in and keep it down. We have to appear like we’ve got it all figured out. Like we’re unbothered, unmovable, untouchable. Like we’re being rational and logical, not emotional and 'needy.' Like we know the next turn in the directions even if we don’t. Like we know how to do everything."
This is a great reason to be in a good, honest marriage with open communication. If you have somebody you can regularly show your full vulnerability to then the psychic damage caused by this strain is massively reduced.
Of course, many (most?) men are not sufficiently honest with their wives to enjoy that benefit... but it's something we should all aim for.
Vulnerabilities are to be shared with your male siblings, next of kin or very trusted friends (all have to be men). Western men have lost all of these avenues with the dissolution of extended families and diminishing social life. There is a reason almost ALL men reluctant to share their weaknesses with their wives. We all know that and it's not comfortable to talk about.
You are very right that men should be able to show vulnerability with men that are close to them. For me my father fills that role, as well as a couple of 25+ year-long friendships. But I think you are discounting how good a wife can be for this role...
If you aren't sharing your weaknesses with your wife at least a LITTLE, then you're living a lie, and you might as well just go be alone, because living a lie will make you feel alone even if there is someone there; even if you have sex with them sometimes. If a woman is not willing to support a man with vulnerabilities, then she is welcome to go and try to find a man that will pretend he doesn't have any. She's not really doing her husband many favors.
It's legitimate to be upset that women sometimes have unrealistic expectations about how "together" their husbands have it, but they have to at least have the CHANCE to respond well to the reality of the situation. To try to hide the fact that life is a struggle is a poor approach - she will be able to tell that you are unhappy and probably blame herself.
You are right to the extent that when you are living with a person and are in an intimate relationship with them they will automatically get to know your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. BUT when you spell out your weaknesses verbally to your wife it's always taken as an admission of failure; failure to cope with something you are expected to deal with successfully as an adult. Moreover every man is naturally averse to sharing such feelings with their partners as same may be exploited and used against them the moment things go south.
The same Capitalist that you blame for men's ills a few centuries ago; is the same Capitalist who has sponsored feminsim, saturated the labor market, plummeted the wage rate, risked the job security and backed up a regressive taxation system all to (indirectly) burden and disadvantage men. The same issues are one of the primary reasons behind the way men feel like this. We have nothing to thank feminism for (which claims that no trait is gendered yet toxicity is masculine). Men feel like this due to bad economies and disenfranchisment.
The way men behave (traditionally) is cross regional and societal. Now don't quote some unknown tribe culture as an anomaly for your personal confirmation bias. The worst thing that you tell a person is that he isn't supposed to feel the way he does because his feelings are a "social construct".
The problem with men today are that mainstream is against them and they are being raised in a feminist/anti male society without any fatherly figures in their lives to counsel and guide them throughout life. At social level one needs to fix the wrongly assumed homogenity and equality of sexes and let men raise their sons; give men their spaces with other men; this whole mess will be fixed within a generation.
As a trans man (age 36, just 2 years on T), it's been like i've been slapped. It's so different, and honestly, it feels like i've given up the right to be seen as human - the most important right of all.
Just because I put on T gel everyday and now look like a man. But I grew up as a girl/woman. I don't know how to hide all my emotions, and I know that isn't healthy anyway so why would I try? I refuse. I'm all for expressing emotions in a healthy way of course, but hiding them completely isn't healthy. It feels like i've been told that now I need to look like a robot, emotionless, aka - not human. Humans have emotions.
Testosterone hasn't changed who I am. It's just made me happier and more confident in myself because now I feel like me and like who I see in the mirror. And of course i'm hairier, have a deeper voice etc. But the core of who I am? Still me. Still human. My emotions haven't changed inside. Granted it is harder to cry now for some reason. But I still can, just not as much.
Thank you for sharing your experience ❤️🔥❤️🔥 I’m sorry you’re dealing with all that just trying to be who you really are 💔
Isn’t it odd that so many women on Substack complain of feeling exhausted by the amount of emotional as well as practical work when they’re in relationships, and now some men are claiming the same thing. I guess we are all overworked and under resourced, especially with emotional energy in the face of current cultural and political change, but I really hope this doesn’t get competitive. That really wouldn’t be helpful to anyone.
I completely agree that women and men find being human in our culture exhausting! I'd love for this to be a reason for us to come together on this topic. And I think a lot of women would LOVE it if men stopped performing manhood and took back some of that energy to be emotional and human instead. That's the insidious aspect of these stereotypes; they tell us lies about what normal is. That said, I think all genders would benefit from learning to validate each others' feelings of exhaustion instead of retreating into defensiveness.
Love this, Dana!
"But men feel like we have to push it in and keep it down. We have to appear like we’ve got it all figured out. Like we’re unbothered, unmovable, untouchable. Like we’re being rational and logical, not emotional and 'needy.' Like we know the next turn in the directions even if we don’t. Like we know how to do everything."
This is a great reason to be in a good, honest marriage with open communication. If you have somebody you can regularly show your full vulnerability to then the psychic damage caused by this strain is massively reduced.
Of course, many (most?) men are not sufficiently honest with their wives to enjoy that benefit... but it's something we should all aim for.
Vulnerabilities are to be shared with your male siblings, next of kin or very trusted friends (all have to be men). Western men have lost all of these avenues with the dissolution of extended families and diminishing social life. There is a reason almost ALL men reluctant to share their weaknesses with their wives. We all know that and it's not comfortable to talk about.
You are very right that men should be able to show vulnerability with men that are close to them. For me my father fills that role, as well as a couple of 25+ year-long friendships. But I think you are discounting how good a wife can be for this role...
If you aren't sharing your weaknesses with your wife at least a LITTLE, then you're living a lie, and you might as well just go be alone, because living a lie will make you feel alone even if there is someone there; even if you have sex with them sometimes. If a woman is not willing to support a man with vulnerabilities, then she is welcome to go and try to find a man that will pretend he doesn't have any. She's not really doing her husband many favors.
It's legitimate to be upset that women sometimes have unrealistic expectations about how "together" their husbands have it, but they have to at least have the CHANCE to respond well to the reality of the situation. To try to hide the fact that life is a struggle is a poor approach - she will be able to tell that you are unhappy and probably blame herself.
You are right to the extent that when you are living with a person and are in an intimate relationship with them they will automatically get to know your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. BUT when you spell out your weaknesses verbally to your wife it's always taken as an admission of failure; failure to cope with something you are expected to deal with successfully as an adult. Moreover every man is naturally averse to sharing such feelings with their partners as same may be exploited and used against them the moment things go south.
The same Capitalist that you blame for men's ills a few centuries ago; is the same Capitalist who has sponsored feminsim, saturated the labor market, plummeted the wage rate, risked the job security and backed up a regressive taxation system all to (indirectly) burden and disadvantage men. The same issues are one of the primary reasons behind the way men feel like this. We have nothing to thank feminism for (which claims that no trait is gendered yet toxicity is masculine). Men feel like this due to bad economies and disenfranchisment.
Dear,
You sound like some conspiracy theorist.
The way men behave (traditionally) is cross regional and societal. Now don't quote some unknown tribe culture as an anomaly for your personal confirmation bias. The worst thing that you tell a person is that he isn't supposed to feel the way he does because his feelings are a "social construct".
The problem with men today are that mainstream is against them and they are being raised in a feminist/anti male society without any fatherly figures in their lives to counsel and guide them throughout life. At social level one needs to fix the wrongly assumed homogenity and equality of sexes and let men raise their sons; give men their spaces with other men; this whole mess will be fixed within a generation.
Thanks for reading and commenting, but I disagree with you.