It’s exhausting to have to constantly perform masculinity

Here’s what nobody tells men about the pressure to appear like we have it all together all the time.

I’m so burned out, ya’ll. Mainly because capitalist society forces most of us to work long hours to survive while still having to cook dinner and wash the dishes and walk the dog and feed the kids and sit on hold with the health insurance company and keep up with the news and fix the leaky faucet and fight fascism and check on our friends and renew our driver’s license.

And for what? A future looking darker and more terrifying by the day?

But there’s another layer of exhaustion I just became hip to.

I’m also worn out from trying so hard to hold my emotions inside. Pretending to seem “cool, calm, and collected” all the time. Buying in to the idea that as a man I’m naturally, biologically, “traditionally” meant to not experience or express fear, sadness, worry, curiosity, joy, or love for anyone other than my partner.

It’s not a conscious choice. There’s just some automatic thing inside of me that won’t let me appear “soft” or “weak.” Or “gay”—which okay, big deal if that’s true?

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What I’m realizing is that this holding in takes effort.

It’s constant work. My messy, raw humanity is right there under the surface, dying to pop out and be truly seen and heard. To hold and be held by someone else. To connect.

But men feel like we have to push it in and keep it down. We have to appear like we’ve got it all figured out. Like we’re unbothered, unmovable, untouchable. Like we’re being rational and logical, not emotional and “needy.” Like we know the next turn in the directions even if we don’t. Like we know how to do everything. Like we can be counted on no matter what. Like we’re headed somewhere and know exactly where that somewhere is. Like we can protect and provide, all the time.

I intellectually get it now after a few years of writing this newsletter and helping men in therapy that these expectations aren’t natural, biological, or even traditional. They were made-up a few hundred years ago to support a gendered division of labor that helps the rich and powerful in our society exploit those of us who work for a living. But these expectations are still exhausting. And lonely. When I get courageous and say how I feel—not what I think—most other men look confused and get quiet or pull away. Some women do too.

Here’s what nobody tells men about the pressure to appear like we have it all together all the time:

Men have to do a ton of extra work because of societal expectations about what a “real man” is and isn’t. This “work” happens inside, an internal suppressing of thoughts, bodily sensations, and desires for our body to move in a looser, freer way.

We suppress this stuff because we get feedback that if we don’t follow the expectations, we won’t be allowed in the club anymore. We’d be one of “those” men. The ones who deserve to be at the bottom of the pecking order. The ones who shouldn’t have any say in political or economic decisions. The ones who deserve only to work for a living and barely scrape by—or not even live at all. The girly ones, the gay ones, the queer ones, the trans ones.

Research shows that as early as the age of three, boys feel more pressure than girls to conform to gender roles. Think about that: Toddler boys already feel like they have more to lose than girls if they don’t walk the line. They start hiding emotions and become more guarded in relationships with adults and other kids.

What’s really wild is that baby boys are just as or often even more emotionally expressive than girls. But around the age of three or four, other boys—taking cues from the adult world—start making fun of them for playing with Barbies or being scared or crying or hanging with the girls. Then the internal pressure starts to build.

That pressure is what’s exhausting men and leaving so many of us feeling anxious, depressed, disconnected, and lonely these days. That pressure is work we feel we have to do to survive in this society.

But we shouldn’t listen to the Elon Musks, the Donald Trumps, the rich and powerful men who want us to blame women and feminism (and immigrants and trans people) for our struggles—and who want us to buy in to the myth of so-called “traditional” masculinity.

We shouldn’t blame ourselves either. The pressure to conform started back when we were playing with Tonka trucks and legos (and maybe Barbies), remember?

We should blame this society, with its pecking order based on how much we conform to what those at the top want us to conform to. And we should get with other men more often to explore being our true, messy, vulnerable selves together. Not to add even more pressure, but our mental health and the fate of everyone else who’s down here near the bottom is counting on it.

Now, a question for you (comment below or email me at jeremy@mohler.coach): How does this pressure show up in your life, relationship, etc.?

— Jeremy

P.S. If you become a paid subscriber for $5/month, you could have your questions answered in my occasional Q&A posts—plus you’ll get the warm feeling of supporting this project!

I’m Jeremy, a licensed therapist on a mission to help men and couples have better relationships. Learn more about what makes great relationships, download resources, get help finding a therapist or men’s group, and more at jeremymohler.blog.

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***FYI: All Make Men Emotional Again content is provided for informational and education purposes only. None of it is intended to be a substitute for professional medical or psychological diagnosis, advice, or treatment. Information provided does not create an agreement for service between Jeremy Mohler, LCPC and the recipient. Consult your physician regarding the applicability of any opinions or recommendations with respect to your medical condition.***