I have been playing with fashion since I was a teenager but I knew the social bounds to play in lest I’d be marked for bullying, which still happened. Having to mask any bit of my queerness under the guise of “metrosexuality”. It wasn’t until after college I felt I could embrace a more expansive gender expression through fashion: Wearing jewelry, getting my ear pierced, wearing ascots, flamboyant clothing etc. How many of us grew up with the bullshit “knowledge” that if a man had one specific ear pierced (I believe right?) that signaled homosexuality? Yet the other ear was cool and definitely not gay.
An interesting aspect from your piece and the comments is how men in socially dominant or powerful positions are able gatekeep certain fashion practices. The men like Andrew Tate, JD Vance, or even Mark Zuckerberg who tell us that we need to be more masculine will unconsciously take cues from women’s fashion - tight fitting cloths, makeup, jewelry (@dieworkwear is the GOAT at exposing this). Clothing and fashion are a social language for all of us but also bloody battlefield of gender. While many men may embrace wear jewelry, the violence inflicted on those who go too far out of the socially prescribed bounds is real.
Queerness and expansive gender expression is a threat to that gate keeping and their power to dictate gender all while they take from it. And that’s why any cis straight guy wearing nail polish or jewelry who isn’t vocally fighting to defend trans and queer lives is doing the barest of minimums.
Thanks for sharing this, Jeremy. I connect with it completely. I started wearing a chain a few years ago, and of course I gotta call it a chain because of the insecurity and stigma. At first I was really weird about it. I still wear it mostly under my shirt because I like that style but if it falls out of my collar I don't feverishly tuck it away anymore. I feel like you were describing my life to a T in this piece. I'm a little blown away.
Growing up I felt stuck in this really odd push and pull where I was pressured by my family, friends and everyone to be more manly while also being praised for being in touch with my emotions and not macho. When I would go for a more expressive style it was too girly, if I tried to go for a more macho style and cultivate my masculine side a bit, they were like nah that's not you. Fast forward to years and miles away and I'm feeling really weird about buying and wearing a necklace, knowing this sounds like mental illness, especially because most of my closest friends rock necklaces, bracelets, rings etc. and look great. They don't seem weird about it.
I'm used to it now and enjoy it a lot. If I'm honest it does make me feel sexy, which feels great but feels so uncomfortable to say. I'm a million times more my authentic self now and comfortable with my masculinity and sexuality, but damn it feels like I still have so far to go. Great post, brother. Thank you.
It's also a rather cultural & subculture specific thing. It's pretty normal for Black & Latino & Native men to wear a fair amount of jewelry. I think conservative middle class WASPy business type white people are the ones more restrictive about clothing/grooming etc. Goths, punks, hippies artsy folks don't follow that stuff either.
Nail Polish November. Last November, on a whim I challenged myself to wear nail polish for every day of the month. The first two weeks I was so uncomfortable whenever I was outside of my house. I'm a blonde hair, blue eyed, straight, white male, so I've never been an "other" my entire life. And while I consider myself to be a fairly empathetic person, it was a whole other perspective to, albeit just slightly, what it must feel like to always be on guard. It was truly a defining realization. I still wear nail polish from time to time because I want to, in some small way, show those who might feel like they don't fit in that I could be a safe space for them. I'm going to be continuing Nail Polish November going forward. It was that profound of an experience for me.
You might rethink if you do in fact have a fear that you will be physically harmed if you violate gender norms. The following includes a very disturbing account of violence against a trans person — I read this right after reading your article, and found points of connection.
Some men in my life have talked to me about the way locker room talk that they experienced sent a signal that even being perceived as being queer or gay would be enough to warrant physical domination.
As I was reading this I kept thinking about "Connell's chain," as in the necklace worn by the character Connell in the (incredible) show Normal People, which became a phenomenon in its in own right (just google Connell's chain to see what I mean). Which is to say: yes, many people find chains/necklaces on straight men very appealing.
Jeremy, what I hear from your piece is that the message a lot of men are getting (from society, other men, etc ) is that some men can pull this off and some men can't. And those who can't shouldn't dare try. Which is sad.
I have a similar impulse but I think from a different direction, it feels akin to the physical reaction I have when anyone observes me doing anything lol. I also perceive "necklace guys" as more masculine (though pendants are probably another matter, would need to see it lol). I thus assume the feeling is more one of, "I wouldn't pull this off," "this" being "anything," lol. For a while, that was rationalized as being savvier and better than try hards who wore necklaces, rather than just a fear. Attempted control over how I am perceived is just a strong through-line for me, which (if it's tied to anything) is probably more down to the neurodivergence, despite manifesting in certainly gendered ways.
I admit I find it interesting this is a thing for you b/c I'm genX and I've never known men to reject jewelry. Most military dudes I've befriended, dated, even married and divorced one, men on motorcycles, sports guys, all had necklaces w/ pendants that were appropriate to their fitting collective. That said, of course I get the notion of hiding pieces of yourself which appear to be opposite of the overall societal expectation, as a woman, certainly, this is our daily. That said -- to all the gents, remember women swoon over artists, who wear make up and jewelry, so don't worry too much about that, you're more likely to draw our attn. wink.
I have been playing with fashion since I was a teenager but I knew the social bounds to play in lest I’d be marked for bullying, which still happened. Having to mask any bit of my queerness under the guise of “metrosexuality”. It wasn’t until after college I felt I could embrace a more expansive gender expression through fashion: Wearing jewelry, getting my ear pierced, wearing ascots, flamboyant clothing etc. How many of us grew up with the bullshit “knowledge” that if a man had one specific ear pierced (I believe right?) that signaled homosexuality? Yet the other ear was cool and definitely not gay.
An interesting aspect from your piece and the comments is how men in socially dominant or powerful positions are able gatekeep certain fashion practices. The men like Andrew Tate, JD Vance, or even Mark Zuckerberg who tell us that we need to be more masculine will unconsciously take cues from women’s fashion - tight fitting cloths, makeup, jewelry (@dieworkwear is the GOAT at exposing this). Clothing and fashion are a social language for all of us but also bloody battlefield of gender. While many men may embrace wear jewelry, the violence inflicted on those who go too far out of the socially prescribed bounds is real.
Queerness and expansive gender expression is a threat to that gate keeping and their power to dictate gender all while they take from it. And that’s why any cis straight guy wearing nail polish or jewelry who isn’t vocally fighting to defend trans and queer lives is doing the barest of minimums.
This is so damn good, Andrew.
Thanks for sharing this, Jeremy. I connect with it completely. I started wearing a chain a few years ago, and of course I gotta call it a chain because of the insecurity and stigma. At first I was really weird about it. I still wear it mostly under my shirt because I like that style but if it falls out of my collar I don't feverishly tuck it away anymore. I feel like you were describing my life to a T in this piece. I'm a little blown away.
Growing up I felt stuck in this really odd push and pull where I was pressured by my family, friends and everyone to be more manly while also being praised for being in touch with my emotions and not macho. When I would go for a more expressive style it was too girly, if I tried to go for a more macho style and cultivate my masculine side a bit, they were like nah that's not you. Fast forward to years and miles away and I'm feeling really weird about buying and wearing a necklace, knowing this sounds like mental illness, especially because most of my closest friends rock necklaces, bracelets, rings etc. and look great. They don't seem weird about it.
I'm used to it now and enjoy it a lot. If I'm honest it does make me feel sexy, which feels great but feels so uncomfortable to say. I'm a million times more my authentic self now and comfortable with my masculinity and sexuality, but damn it feels like I still have so far to go. Great post, brother. Thank you.
It's also a rather cultural & subculture specific thing. It's pretty normal for Black & Latino & Native men to wear a fair amount of jewelry. I think conservative middle class WASPy business type white people are the ones more restrictive about clothing/grooming etc. Goths, punks, hippies artsy folks don't follow that stuff either.
Somehow never felt the desire to do this (though not against anyone who does). Perhaps we are not all the same...
Tbh jewelry and makeup look AMAZING on men!! 🔥
Nail Polish November. Last November, on a whim I challenged myself to wear nail polish for every day of the month. The first two weeks I was so uncomfortable whenever I was outside of my house. I'm a blonde hair, blue eyed, straight, white male, so I've never been an "other" my entire life. And while I consider myself to be a fairly empathetic person, it was a whole other perspective to, albeit just slightly, what it must feel like to always be on guard. It was truly a defining realization. I still wear nail polish from time to time because I want to, in some small way, show those who might feel like they don't fit in that I could be a safe space for them. I'm going to be continuing Nail Polish November going forward. It was that profound of an experience for me.
You might rethink if you do in fact have a fear that you will be physically harmed if you violate gender norms. The following includes a very disturbing account of violence against a trans person — I read this right after reading your article, and found points of connection.
https://open.substack.com/pub/katemanne/p/seeing-sam-nordquist-seeing-america?r=1avl5g&utm_medium=ios
Some men in my life have talked to me about the way locker room talk that they experienced sent a signal that even being perceived as being queer or gay would be enough to warrant physical domination.
As I was reading this I kept thinking about "Connell's chain," as in the necklace worn by the character Connell in the (incredible) show Normal People, which became a phenomenon in its in own right (just google Connell's chain to see what I mean). Which is to say: yes, many people find chains/necklaces on straight men very appealing.
Jeremy, what I hear from your piece is that the message a lot of men are getting (from society, other men, etc ) is that some men can pull this off and some men can't. And those who can't shouldn't dare try. Which is sad.
I have a similar impulse but I think from a different direction, it feels akin to the physical reaction I have when anyone observes me doing anything lol. I also perceive "necklace guys" as more masculine (though pendants are probably another matter, would need to see it lol). I thus assume the feeling is more one of, "I wouldn't pull this off," "this" being "anything," lol. For a while, that was rationalized as being savvier and better than try hards who wore necklaces, rather than just a fear. Attempted control over how I am perceived is just a strong through-line for me, which (if it's tied to anything) is probably more down to the neurodivergence, despite manifesting in certainly gendered ways.
I admit I find it interesting this is a thing for you b/c I'm genX and I've never known men to reject jewelry. Most military dudes I've befriended, dated, even married and divorced one, men on motorcycles, sports guys, all had necklaces w/ pendants that were appropriate to their fitting collective. That said, of course I get the notion of hiding pieces of yourself which appear to be opposite of the overall societal expectation, as a woman, certainly, this is our daily. That said -- to all the gents, remember women swoon over artists, who wear make up and jewelry, so don't worry too much about that, you're more likely to draw our attn. wink.
Yes, I commented that (maybe not his pendent but) a lot of this sort of jewelry strike me as specifically masculine!