I’m scared to be the kind of man who wears a necklace
It's not unlike women feeling afraid of being judged every which way about their bodies.
I’m scared to wear a necklace outside of my shirt where everyone can see it.
Or more precisely, where other men can see it. Or even more precisely, where certain men who seem “traditionally” masculine can see it.
I never thought I’d be a necklace guy after that one summer in high school when all the boys wore puka shells and pretended to surf. No gold crosses or silver chains for me. I like to dress understated and practical—“masculine,” you might say. Like if something went down and I had to fight or run, I’d be ready.
But I wanted a necklace after a particularly transformative session with my therapist. He helped me have a conversation with my anxiety, and I learned that it needed my validation and reassurance. Not that everything will be okay, but that it—the anxiety—will be okay. Like it’s a little kid inside of me needing a hug.
As I imagined myself hugging it, I saw the image of a necklace float down from the sky and around my neck. A green necklace.
So, I went searching. Even if the whole thing felt a bit woo-woo, at least the necklace could be a reminder of how to soothe my anxiety the next time it flared up.
Whenever my partner and I went shopping, I looked at the jewelry, pretending to be shopping for her. I felt hesitant and didn’t really know what I wanted. It just had to be green, and not too “feminine”—more on that in a second. Months went by, so I pretty much gave up.
Then I found it. A local jeweler was laying out necklaces and rings at an art fair, many of them made with an iridescent mineral called labradorite. I spotted a pendant with a long brass chain and felt that certain mix of excitement and calm in my body that I’ve learned to trust means I’m headed in the right direction.
I’ve been wearing the necklace everywhere.
Out to dinner with my partner. Hanging with friends. While seeing therapy clients. It feels calming, like that little kid inside is appreciating that I’m there. It helps me turn down the volume on my worried, ruminating thoughts. My body relaxes. I finally feel free from the nearly constant anxiety.
Except when I’m around other men. Specifically, other cisgender, straight men who I’m not close with. I notice the urge to take off the necklace or at least hide it under my shirt. If it’s out, I feel somehow naked, exposed, defenseless. Like I’m bound to be judged.
Why is that?
Why do I feel the need to hide an aspect of myself around other men?
Why am I scared to be my true self?
Why am I not scared around my friends who are gay?
It must be because of the expectations that come with being a man in this society. We’re told that we’re naturally, “traditionally” supposed to be a certain way: rational, logical, practical, simple, tough, stoic, detached, career-focused. And not supposed to be the other way: emotional, complex, vibrant, ever-changing, vulnerable, nurturing, relationship-focused.
If we brush up against those “feminine” ways of being, then we must be gay—which means we’re less-than. We’re not a “real man.” We deserve to be lower in the pecking order, with less access to resources and decision-making power.
I’m not saying that it always plays out that way. Plenty of straight men wear vibrant clothes and jewelry and are worshipped by other men. Musicians, actors, artists, athletes. Men with enough financial power to wear (almost) whatever they want and not be questioned. Hell, according to linguists, Trump—Mr. Macho Tough Guy himself—talks in a “feminine” way,
But that’s the message I must’ve gotten when I was a boy.
Don’t be different. Hide the parts of yourself that seem “girly.” If you don’t, you’ll get laughed at, maybe even beaten up.
I don’t remember wanting to wear necklaces or pink or dresses when I was little. But maybe the fear got in me before I could even consider it. Maybe I had to start cutting off parts of myself before I could even think about who I really wanted to be. Research shows that as early as the age of three, boys feel more pressure than girls to conform to gender roles.
I guess my fear of wearing a necklace is not unlike women feeling afraid of being judged every which way about their bodies. It’s not exactly like that. I’m not literally scared that I’ll get assaulted for wearing a necklace. And I don’t need to wear it. There are days I don’t wear it and still feel fully myself.
But another little kid inside of me—the boy who got laughed at by other boys for doing anything “girly,” for crying, for getting “too emotional,” for showing too much love and care—is afraid. He doesn’t want me to wear the necklace around other men I don’t know well enough to feel safe around. And that makes me sad.
Let me know your thoughts in the comments below (or email me: jeremy@mohler.coach). What do you want to wear but are afraid to? How do you think about your clothing choices, appearance, etc.?
— Jeremy
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I’m Jeremy, a licensed therapist on a mission to help men and couples have better relationships. Learn more about what makes great relationships, download resources, get help finding a therapist or men’s group, and more at jeremymohler.blog.
***FYI: All Make Men Emotional Again content is provided for informational and education purposes only. None of it is intended to be a substitute for professional medical or psychological diagnosis, advice, or treatment. Information provided does not create an agreement for service between Jeremy Mohler, LCPC and the recipient. Consult your physician regarding the applicability of any opinions or recommendations with respect to your medical condition.***
I have been playing with fashion since I was a teenager but I knew the social bounds to play in lest I’d be marked for bullying, which still happened. Having to mask any bit of my queerness under the guise of “metrosexuality”. It wasn’t until after college I felt I could embrace a more expansive gender expression through fashion: Wearing jewelry, getting my ear pierced, wearing ascots, flamboyant clothing etc. How many of us grew up with the bullshit “knowledge” that if a man had one specific ear pierced (I believe right?) that signaled homosexuality? Yet the other ear was cool and definitely not gay.
An interesting aspect from your piece and the comments is how men in socially dominant or powerful positions are able gatekeep certain fashion practices. The men like Andrew Tate, JD Vance, or even Mark Zuckerberg who tell us that we need to be more masculine will unconsciously take cues from women’s fashion - tight fitting cloths, makeup, jewelry (@dieworkwear is the GOAT at exposing this). Clothing and fashion are a social language for all of us but also bloody battlefield of gender. While many men may embrace wear jewelry, the violence inflicted on those who go too far out of the socially prescribed bounds is real.
Queerness and expansive gender expression is a threat to that gate keeping and their power to dictate gender all while they take from it. And that’s why any cis straight guy wearing nail polish or jewelry who isn’t vocally fighting to defend trans and queer lives is doing the barest of minimums.
Thanks for sharing this, Jeremy. I connect with it completely. I started wearing a chain a few years ago, and of course I gotta call it a chain because of the insecurity and stigma. At first I was really weird about it. I still wear it mostly under my shirt because I like that style but if it falls out of my collar I don't feverishly tuck it away anymore. I feel like you were describing my life to a T in this piece. I'm a little blown away.
Growing up I felt stuck in this really odd push and pull where I was pressured by my family, friends and everyone to be more manly while also being praised for being in touch with my emotions and not macho. When I would go for a more expressive style it was too girly, if I tried to go for a more macho style and cultivate my masculine side a bit, they were like nah that's not you. Fast forward to years and miles away and I'm feeling really weird about buying and wearing a necklace, knowing this sounds like mental illness, especially because most of my closest friends rock necklaces, bracelets, rings etc. and look great. They don't seem weird about it.
I'm used to it now and enjoy it a lot. If I'm honest it does make me feel sexy, which feels great but feels so uncomfortable to say. I'm a million times more my authentic self now and comfortable with my masculinity and sexuality, but damn it feels like I still have so far to go. Great post, brother. Thank you.