An Instagram comment making fun of my teeth destroyed my day

Men experience body shame too.

This is embarrassing. When I walk down the street alone—or am anywhere in public, really—part of me is dying for attention from women. Even though I’m 38 and married.

Sure, I’m thinking about other things. What I need at the grocery store or how my therapy clients are doing. But some percentage of my attention is scanning around in hopes of seeing women looking at me.

That percentage used to be higher. Back in my 20s, I’d obsess over women’s attention. I’d spend entire walks where I lived in Washington, D.C., focused on it. Just one look would improve my mood for the whole day. It’s faded a little as I get older, but I still do it.

It’s embarrassing because men aren’t supposed to worry about what people think of our looks. Women are the ones who are supposed to care. Men “naturally” or “traditionally” care more about work and leisurely pursuits like sports. Or so we’re told by television, social media, and advertising.

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If we’re attracted to someone, we’re supposed walk right up and make a move. We should be clean and dressed halfway decently. But that’s about it. We don’t have to worry about the “female gaze,” like women have to deal with the “male gaze.”

I’m never planning to make a move on the women who look at me. I just want them to want me. Or I just want to be able to assume that they want me.

It’s embarrassing also because it turns out that women have to spend a ton of time worrying about men. When a woman does look, it’s most likely she’s assessing whether I’m a threat. More than two-thirds—70 percent—of women aged 18-24 years old say they’ve experienced sexual harassment in public. 70 percent!

Yet, my hunch is a lot of men are like me.

We don’t want anyone to know we worry about our attractiveness. Again, because of outdated, so-called “traditional” ideas about how we’re supposed to think and act as men. But many of us do worry.

It’s estimated that around 85 percent of men are concerned about being muscular enough. Not for strength but for the appearance of a lean physique. Around one in ten men have experienced suicidal thoughts due to body image issues. Gay men feel even more judged and objectified based on appearance.

(This is a good time to mention that women deal with body shame too, and likely much more of it. Thanks to a commenter on a previous post for sharing this post that deepened my understanding of what women are up against.)

I’m writing about body image this week because I’ve been getting more and more judgmental comments on my Instagram posts. (My account, @mens.relationship.therapist, is pretty much the stuff I write for this newsletter shared in bite-sized videos. I’d appreciate you following me!)

As I wrote back in July, I don’t mind comments like “soy boy” and “beta male” meant to make me feel less of a man. They make me laugh. And feel sad for the men who feel the need to say them about me, a stranger online.

But the comments about my “double chin,” “no jaw,” “nice teeth” (sarcastically), and other parts of my body hurt. They throw off my mood for the rest of the day. I start wondering things like, “How much does Invisalign cost?” and “How can I lose weight without starving myself?”

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It’s like there’s a part of me dependent on whether women find me attractive.

And when other men judge my body, I worry that women are thinking the same thing. Even though I’m married. Even though my partner tells me my body is perfect the way it is.

My hunch is this has to do with something I’ve written about before: Men tend to be overdependent on our partner for emotional connection. We’ve been taught in this society to not talk about vulnerable emotions with friends, coworkers, anyone outside of a romantic relationship. To get emotional with someone other than our partner is “weak,” “soft,” “gay,” “beta.”

We’re taught this because the type of society we live in—capitalism—is organized around heteronormativity, monogamy, and the nuclear family. Men are supposed to focus on “providing and protecting,” while women are supposed to focus on being relational and raising children.

This is not how humans lived for tens of thousands of years before capitalism, which began in Western Europe only a few hundred years ago and then spread (violently) around the world.

Before that, humans lived in communities with more day-to-day connections beyond the nuclear family. The concept of “family” was broader and far more fluid. The division of labor between genders varied across different societies at different times.

The capitalist idea of family and division of labor between genders all but forces men to put all of our relational eggs in one basket. We only feel emotionally safe with our partner and put a wall up to everyone else. Which can put a ton of pressure on our partner and strain our relationship. And leave us almost constantly starving for more connection.

So when I’m out walking in my neighborhood or strolling the aisles of a grocery store or waiting in line at the airport, it makes sense that there’s a part of me craving connection with other humans. And it makes sense that this part of me only knows one way to get it: through the romantic interest of a woman.

It doesn’t occur to me that I could strike up a conversation with a stranger, and that getting to know them and them getting to know me could be fulfilling. More fulfilling than a one-off look from a random woman I’ll never actually talk to.

Remembering this context and history makes me feel compassion for myself. It’s actually not so embarrassing that I’m starving for connection and have only been taught one way to get it.

And I think I even feel a little compassion for the men who make fun of my crooked teeth on Instagram. They’re probably starving for connection too.

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Now, a question for the comments below (or email me at jeremy@jeremymohler.blog): How do you feel about the election?

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