One thought - these models of gender behaviour aren't just recent, they're also specific to particular cultures. Before colonisation - and we're only talking 200 years ago - my own Indigenous ancestors distinguished gender roles, but not in a way that put all the emotional and caring labour onto women, or deprived men of culturally accepted ways to express fear, joy, grief, or vulnerability (Women were also the ones to initiate sexual relationships, and the punishment for the occasional men who carried out sexual violence was most commonly expulsion from the tribe). There are so many different kinds of 'tradition' - how sad that tradwives and tradhusbands are trying to revive one of the most unhealthy of them!
That’s a great point. It’s always interesting to see how other cultures organise labour and relationships — there’s always positives and negatives, but it can be so interesting to see where those positives/negatives fall. Pre-Industrial Revolution in Europe also did not gender work in the way that we’re often told is “traditional”; men cooked, for instance, and women slaughtered animals. I think culture was often very different in the past and the way these regressives (like tradwives) try to frame their views as “a return to tradition” is more like just a return to post-war nuclear family roles. I mean, even historically in Europe, there was a servant class that performed domestic labour even among the middle classes — it certainly wasn’t dumped entirely on a single generation of women.
Enjoyed this read - I appreciate that you recognized why women may be drawn to this, much like why men are drawn to patriarchy, it offers a tiny glimmer of hope that there is a reality within our current existence that allows for fulfilment, purpose, happiness, and a lack of burnout. The patriarchy constantly overselling and underdelivering. Thank you for writing this!
I totally agree that the trad wife assignment of caregiving and housework to women, and thus devaluing that work, is really bad for everyone
I'm a single man living with his parents. In the past, I've babysat for a niece when she was a toddler, and taken care of two grandparents at the end of their lives. While many times were stressful and emotionally draining, I found purpose and edification in helping my family
I thought of it as carrying weight to lessen the burden on others, since I was not alone in my caregiving. And emotionally nurturing my niece, and providing companionship for my grandparents helped me a become better attuned to my own emotions
I highly recommend that other men take up more of the burden of housework and caregiving. And in doing so, I hope that they too find greater purpose and edification, as I did
I love this comment. Thanks for sharing your experience. I feel shame sometimes when I feel joy in caring for others (so-called “women’s work”). Reading your comment made that shame smaller.
Women depending on males for anything is a complete trap. Be as independent emotionally and financially as possible or you will be vulnerable to emotional and physical abuse, including femicide that is a global public health crisis.
This was such a thoughtful post. Thank you! I’m not really one of those people who thinks every new trend harkens the end of mankind, but tradwifery is a trend that I do find pretty disturbing.
It reminds me of the limited series Mrs America on Hulu (I just watched it for the second time and it became more relevant and interesting than the first time) which depicts the woman who helped stop the ERA becoming ratified. Phyllis Schlafly made it her life’s mission to defend the homemaker- thereby becoming the feminist she so disdained.
Trad wives are a bit like that. They sell an image based on fairytales and nostalgia. They say their life is all about the home and family - while running a lucrative business selling that image and the products that go with it.
It’s not just disingenuous, it’s dangerous. It perpetuates the idea of everyone’s life being better and encourages even more shame and dissatisfaction than already exists.
If you’re interested in deep diving the history of the American family I don’t think there’s much better read than Stephanie Coontz. She is a sociologist and family historian and he books “the way we never were” and “the way we really are” are fast reads that completely changed my perspective on the American. Family.
For those who aren’t big readers (which is funny on Substack but life is busy and a book can feel like a lot ) she has a tedtalk and quite a few interviews up on YouTube that give a taste of her findings.
IMO a lot of tradwife content is aesthetics. The influencers are usually beautiful young women wearing dresses while homemaking in large, well-decorated homes. Oddly, her children are never shrieking or interrupting her mid-task to, say, dump the bag of flour on the floor. A middle aged woman in sweats cleaning her modest home while her kids are arguing may also be a “traditional wife” but she’s not likely to have an Instagram following.
I’m a native Utahn raised by a feminist, a stone’s throw from Ballerina Farm. I watched many of my brilliant Mormon school peers prepare earnestly to channel said brilliance into care work in exactly the way it’s performed here, as Mormons of a certain income bracket really never stopped doing it and so my friends were simply doing what they were raised to do. What puzzles me is the widespread appeal of this outside of the LDS community. As well as the selective flattening of our larger history as a country. I teach in NY now and we use this text to push back on the notion that “it’s always been this way so it must always be this way, with only incremental change,” because Haudenosaunee women actually had far more rights than the first colonists did and continue to center respect for all in their governance.
Excellent piece and a nice reminder that capitalism created these rigid gender binaries. Unfortunately, they will be our downfall, because like Saturn, capitalism cannot see past eating his own children to stay in power. We will exterminate ourselves slowly as the birth rate descends to 0.
Great job! I read a book on how the Industrial Revolution gendered certain work that challenged our contemporary assumptions about who has always been “suited” (or whatever) for what work. Nice to see a lot of those points confirmed here.
I wonder how much tradwifery is a reaction to late-state capitalism, which has seen 70% of nuclear families now have two parents who work (way up from previous generations). And this is not so much because parents want to work more, but because it takes two incomes to support a middle class lifestyle. Expectations on parents have never been higher — we are now expected to shepherd our children’s emotional, mental, and physical health in ways our parents never were. And we do it while working more than ever. It’s a lose-lose proposition and maybe the tradwife is a way of reclaiming a more prosperous past when two parents didn’t have to work.
Loved everything about this story! I’ve long argued that the patriarchy hurts men, too. Demonizing men, rather than the social and economic forces driving late-stage capitalism, doesn’t help any of us. And it makes me SO happy to see men speaking up about the importance of caregiving. It drives me nuts that things like paid leave and childcare are often seen as “women’s issues.”
I’m helping to put together a reduced workweek pilot at my job and want to make sure that we don’t just talk about the benefits in generic “work/life balance” terms but are specific about its potential for helping us all participate more generously in care work, regardless of our gender or parental status.
Appreciate the mention and looking forward to reading more of your stories!
Ooh, I’d be happy to connect you to some folks who started a worker-owned mental health co-op in my hometown of PDX. This underutilized model has SO much potential for healthcare and other care industries!
I think part of the appeal of tradwives is valuing being good at care work. I think being a good cook and housekeeper used to be appreciated (often in toxic ways!) and now mostly isn’t and when it is is made invisible - if you like those things - which lots of people do - it’s nice to see someone doing it beautifully. And maybe makes you feel better about yourself when you spend time doing it. Because cleaning and cooking and gardening all… disappears very soon after you do them, they’re ephemeral and don’t earn money, only someone’s love or joy or pleasure. But they’re important parts of being human. I think we should celebrate those skills without pretending they are either useless or come without tradeoffs. An adult who can’t earn a living in the market economy should have a legal document guaranteeing them an income for as long as it would take them to become someone who can earn a decent income. Anything short of that is putting yourself into a crazy vulnerable position.
I think part of the appeal of tradwives is valuing being good at care work. I think being a good cook and housekeeper used to be appreciated (often in toxic ways!) and now mostly isn’t and when it is is made invisible - if you like those things - which lots of people do - it’s nice to see someone doing it beautifully. And maybe makes you feel better about yourself when you spend time doing it. Because cleaning and cooking and gardening all… disappears very soon after you do them, they’re ephemeral and don’t earn money, only someone’s love or joy or pleasure. But they’re important parts of being human. I think we should celebrate those skills without pretending they are either useless or come without tradeoffs. An adult who can’t earn a living in the market economy should have a legal document guaranteeing them an income for as long as it would take them to become someone who can earn a decent income. Anything short of that is putting yourself into a crazy vulnerable position.
Nicely written and points well made!
One thought - these models of gender behaviour aren't just recent, they're also specific to particular cultures. Before colonisation - and we're only talking 200 years ago - my own Indigenous ancestors distinguished gender roles, but not in a way that put all the emotional and caring labour onto women, or deprived men of culturally accepted ways to express fear, joy, grief, or vulnerability (Women were also the ones to initiate sexual relationships, and the punishment for the occasional men who carried out sexual violence was most commonly expulsion from the tribe). There are so many different kinds of 'tradition' - how sad that tradwives and tradhusbands are trying to revive one of the most unhealthy of them!
That’s a great point. It’s always interesting to see how other cultures organise labour and relationships — there’s always positives and negatives, but it can be so interesting to see where those positives/negatives fall. Pre-Industrial Revolution in Europe also did not gender work in the way that we’re often told is “traditional”; men cooked, for instance, and women slaughtered animals. I think culture was often very different in the past and the way these regressives (like tradwives) try to frame their views as “a return to tradition” is more like just a return to post-war nuclear family roles. I mean, even historically in Europe, there was a servant class that performed domestic labour even among the middle classes — it certainly wasn’t dumped entirely on a single generation of women.
You’re so right!!
Enjoyed this read - I appreciate that you recognized why women may be drawn to this, much like why men are drawn to patriarchy, it offers a tiny glimmer of hope that there is a reality within our current existence that allows for fulfilment, purpose, happiness, and a lack of burnout. The patriarchy constantly overselling and underdelivering. Thank you for writing this!
Thanks for reading! And as always, thanks for the writing you do ❤️🔥
Mahalo for this post
I totally agree that the trad wife assignment of caregiving and housework to women, and thus devaluing that work, is really bad for everyone
I'm a single man living with his parents. In the past, I've babysat for a niece when she was a toddler, and taken care of two grandparents at the end of their lives. While many times were stressful and emotionally draining, I found purpose and edification in helping my family
I thought of it as carrying weight to lessen the burden on others, since I was not alone in my caregiving. And emotionally nurturing my niece, and providing companionship for my grandparents helped me a become better attuned to my own emotions
I highly recommend that other men take up more of the burden of housework and caregiving. And in doing so, I hope that they too find greater purpose and edification, as I did
I love this comment. Thanks for sharing your experience. I feel shame sometimes when I feel joy in caring for others (so-called “women’s work”). Reading your comment made that shame smaller.
Women depending on males for anything is a complete trap. Be as independent emotionally and financially as possible or you will be vulnerable to emotional and physical abuse, including femicide that is a global public health crisis.
What amazing is how many individuals truly believe the make believe idea that it is ‘how it was’.
We must free ourselves from these boxes.
I totally thought that way until the last couple years (even though something about always felt off).
This was such a thoughtful post. Thank you! I’m not really one of those people who thinks every new trend harkens the end of mankind, but tradwifery is a trend that I do find pretty disturbing.
It reminds me of the limited series Mrs America on Hulu (I just watched it for the second time and it became more relevant and interesting than the first time) which depicts the woman who helped stop the ERA becoming ratified. Phyllis Schlafly made it her life’s mission to defend the homemaker- thereby becoming the feminist she so disdained.
Trad wives are a bit like that. They sell an image based on fairytales and nostalgia. They say their life is all about the home and family - while running a lucrative business selling that image and the products that go with it.
It’s not just disingenuous, it’s dangerous. It perpetuates the idea of everyone’s life being better and encourages even more shame and dissatisfaction than already exists.
If you’re interested in deep diving the history of the American family I don’t think there’s much better read than Stephanie Coontz. She is a sociologist and family historian and he books “the way we never were” and “the way we really are” are fast reads that completely changed my perspective on the American. Family.
For those who aren’t big readers (which is funny on Substack but life is busy and a book can feel like a lot ) she has a tedtalk and quite a few interviews up on YouTube that give a taste of her findings.
Thanks for the rec, Chris! Those books sound right up my alley :)
IMO a lot of tradwife content is aesthetics. The influencers are usually beautiful young women wearing dresses while homemaking in large, well-decorated homes. Oddly, her children are never shrieking or interrupting her mid-task to, say, dump the bag of flour on the floor. A middle aged woman in sweats cleaning her modest home while her kids are arguing may also be a “traditional wife” but she’s not likely to have an Instagram following.
I’m a native Utahn raised by a feminist, a stone’s throw from Ballerina Farm. I watched many of my brilliant Mormon school peers prepare earnestly to channel said brilliance into care work in exactly the way it’s performed here, as Mormons of a certain income bracket really never stopped doing it and so my friends were simply doing what they were raised to do. What puzzles me is the widespread appeal of this outside of the LDS community. As well as the selective flattening of our larger history as a country. I teach in NY now and we use this text to push back on the notion that “it’s always been this way so it must always be this way, with only incremental change,” because Haudenosaunee women actually had far more rights than the first colonists did and continue to center respect for all in their governance.
https://www.wned.org/television/wned-productions/wned-history-productions/discovering-new-york-suffrage-stories/haudenosaunee-influence-on-the-woman-suffrage-movement/#:~:text=Women%20had%20the%20absolute%20control,into%20their%20mother's%20clan%20family.
Thank you for this! It looks so useful for the stuff I’m writing in this newsletter about “traditional masculinity.” Appreciate it!
I’m so glad to hear that! We also look at the Tainos, if that’s helpful.
https://www.floridamuseum.ufl.edu/histarch/research/haiti/en-bas-saline/taino-society/
The Dine might be worth a look as well. My students are always floored by this video:
https://youtu.be/AqEgsHGiK-s?si=Fm54YCEKSmzGnypr
There might be more of note here too!
https://ryanroseweaver.substack.com/p/3-mourning-and-re-making-the-village?utm_medium=reader2
Ps I love the angle you’ve taken here — by a man, for men. So refreshing and so needed.
Excellent piece and a nice reminder that capitalism created these rigid gender binaries. Unfortunately, they will be our downfall, because like Saturn, capitalism cannot see past eating his own children to stay in power. We will exterminate ourselves slowly as the birth rate descends to 0.
I hope not. But I can definitely feel that sort of hopelessness often.
Well said!
Thanks!
Enjoyed this, really important to keep reminding everyone that these historical roles aren't! thanks!
Yes!!!
Great job! I read a book on how the Industrial Revolution gendered certain work that challenged our contemporary assumptions about who has always been “suited” (or whatever) for what work. Nice to see a lot of those points confirmed here.
I wonder how much tradwifery is a reaction to late-state capitalism, which has seen 70% of nuclear families now have two parents who work (way up from previous generations). And this is not so much because parents want to work more, but because it takes two incomes to support a middle class lifestyle. Expectations on parents have never been higher — we are now expected to shepherd our children’s emotional, mental, and physical health in ways our parents never were. And we do it while working more than ever. It’s a lose-lose proposition and maybe the tradwife is a way of reclaiming a more prosperous past when two parents didn’t have to work.
I think you’re totally right about that! It’s a conservative, reactionary “fix” to a real problem.
What was that book? I want to learn more about “traditional” gender roles were created in the early days of capitalism.
Loved everything about this story! I’ve long argued that the patriarchy hurts men, too. Demonizing men, rather than the social and economic forces driving late-stage capitalism, doesn’t help any of us. And it makes me SO happy to see men speaking up about the importance of caregiving. It drives me nuts that things like paid leave and childcare are often seen as “women’s issues.”
I’m helping to put together a reduced workweek pilot at my job and want to make sure that we don’t just talk about the benefits in generic “work/life balance” terms but are specific about its potential for helping us all participate more generously in care work, regardless of our gender or parental status.
Appreciate the mention and looking forward to reading more of your stories!
Thank you for reading! I’m super curious about how that pilot goes. My dream is to start a therapist worker-cooperative. So I’m a big fan!
Ooh, I’d be happy to connect you to some folks who started a worker-owned mental health co-op in my hometown of PDX. This underutilized model has SO much potential for healthcare and other care industries!
I’d love that! JeremyLmohler@gmail.com if you’d prefer email 😀
I think part of the appeal of tradwives is valuing being good at care work. I think being a good cook and housekeeper used to be appreciated (often in toxic ways!) and now mostly isn’t and when it is is made invisible - if you like those things - which lots of people do - it’s nice to see someone doing it beautifully. And maybe makes you feel better about yourself when you spend time doing it. Because cleaning and cooking and gardening all… disappears very soon after you do them, they’re ephemeral and don’t earn money, only someone’s love or joy or pleasure. But they’re important parts of being human. I think we should celebrate those skills without pretending they are either useless or come without tradeoffs. An adult who can’t earn a living in the market economy should have a legal document guaranteeing them an income for as long as it would take them to become someone who can earn a decent income. Anything short of that is putting yourself into a crazy vulnerable position.
I think part of the appeal of tradwives is valuing being good at care work. I think being a good cook and housekeeper used to be appreciated (often in toxic ways!) and now mostly isn’t and when it is is made invisible - if you like those things - which lots of people do - it’s nice to see someone doing it beautifully. And maybe makes you feel better about yourself when you spend time doing it. Because cleaning and cooking and gardening all… disappears very soon after you do them, they’re ephemeral and don’t earn money, only someone’s love or joy or pleasure. But they’re important parts of being human. I think we should celebrate those skills without pretending they are either useless or come without tradeoffs. An adult who can’t earn a living in the market economy should have a legal document guaranteeing them an income for as long as it would take them to become someone who can earn a decent income. Anything short of that is putting yourself into a crazy vulnerable position.