Great essay. About the pressure to mask, though, I wouldn’t go straight from “No one is explicitly saying this to us.” To “It comes from inside.” Our culture conveys a lot of implicit expectations of us—of masculinity, of femininity, of neurotypicality, of the way Black people should act and talk, of the bodies we should be in—by the examples it upholds and those it critiques (if not you personally), by sidelong glances and its (lack of) enthusiasm to interact with us, only very sparsely sprinkled with direct reproof. It’s wonderful you’re addressing and solving this issue, but you don’t have to own the problem entire.
Thank you for this. I really like your writing. This response got a little long...
I had a bit of an emotional wave last night about the ways I've been masking, pretty successfully, for years. I think it's an element of neurodivergence for me, but honestly, it's maybe more muddy than the language we have. And I don't know if it even matters if I define exactly what it is or why it is. It's just important for me to see that I've been masking. And to go through the pain of pulling that mask away. There is a sense of freedom as I drop the mask but it is really hard. I have to cry. I have to feel the ache. I have to share it out loud with people I love and who love me. Writing on Substack seems to be helping too.
I really like that you're expanding the use of this term to talk about how men mask emotionality to fit into societal norms. Masking is something we all do? Neurodivergence is something we all have on some level? Gender and how we our brains work exist on a variety of spectrums?!
Norms at their best seek to offer some stability. But they are constructs at their heart, reflections of human understanding in a moment to help us make sense, not fundamental truths.
Many of us are trying to move beyond these norms? At my most optimistic, I think that's what a lot of people, in a lot of different situations want right now, to make a choice to stop boxing ourselves in with these constructs. We are reaching the limitations of the world we've created in some way? We need to keep doing the work to build a new one?
Finding the direction that exists within ourselves feels like the path to me right now - understanding what is truly me and what is the mask.
It's hard work. We're all going to have to help each other find our ways.
You’ve hit the nail on the head. Masking isn’t just for neurodivergent folks. It’s for all of us who feel obligated to override ourselves in order to get our needs met. I love that by bringing more awareness to the mask, the more it can slip, or fall away. The more choice there is.
I'm an autistic guy. I don't know who I am around other people without a mask. Me not masking is me being very quiet, very reserved, and leaving without telling anyone at the first seemingly socially acceptable moment. I don't know what it would mean for me to act or be around others without masking and I'm not even sure if that's something I'm capable of. The only place I interact with others without being masked is anonymously or pseudonymously over the Internet, but doing things over the Internet has built in mask.
All of my social interactions with anybody in person is a performance or a mask. I don't know any other way to be.
As a late-diagnosed autistic woman, I am very experienced with masking and de-masking. Masking is very tiring, limiting and anxiety producing. You will never feel loved or accepted if it's your mask that you present. So ditching the mask is a good thing.
But after ten years, I am still learning how to live authentically. You have to look for commonality at all times. Focus on that commonality. Your real self will offend or discomfort people and you need to be aware of that - and not impose it unnecessarily. You need to examine why it offends - and maybe real personal change is needed. Or compassion.
Man this really hit me. Im just tired. Tired of being the one people depend on. Tired of not complaining, of keeping a stiff upper lip. Even as I write this I feel ashamed for complaining. I hear those words,”suck it up” “be a man” “stop whining”. My mask is slipping I’m afraid.
You're doing great! Keep letting it slip. I really appreciate you sharing how tired you are. Reading this helped me feel less alone in this. Keep sharing your experience!
Great essay. About the pressure to mask, though, I wouldn’t go straight from “No one is explicitly saying this to us.” To “It comes from inside.” Our culture conveys a lot of implicit expectations of us—of masculinity, of femininity, of neurotypicality, of the way Black people should act and talk, of the bodies we should be in—by the examples it upholds and those it critiques (if not you personally), by sidelong glances and its (lack of) enthusiasm to interact with us, only very sparsely sprinkled with direct reproof. It’s wonderful you’re addressing and solving this issue, but you don’t have to own the problem entire.
There's actually a documentary about masculinity - made by CA's First Partner, Jennifer Siebel Newsom - called "The Mask We Live In"!
I love it!
Thank you for this. I really like your writing. This response got a little long...
I had a bit of an emotional wave last night about the ways I've been masking, pretty successfully, for years. I think it's an element of neurodivergence for me, but honestly, it's maybe more muddy than the language we have. And I don't know if it even matters if I define exactly what it is or why it is. It's just important for me to see that I've been masking. And to go through the pain of pulling that mask away. There is a sense of freedom as I drop the mask but it is really hard. I have to cry. I have to feel the ache. I have to share it out loud with people I love and who love me. Writing on Substack seems to be helping too.
I really like that you're expanding the use of this term to talk about how men mask emotionality to fit into societal norms. Masking is something we all do? Neurodivergence is something we all have on some level? Gender and how we our brains work exist on a variety of spectrums?!
Norms at their best seek to offer some stability. But they are constructs at their heart, reflections of human understanding in a moment to help us make sense, not fundamental truths.
Many of us are trying to move beyond these norms? At my most optimistic, I think that's what a lot of people, in a lot of different situations want right now, to make a choice to stop boxing ourselves in with these constructs. We are reaching the limitations of the world we've created in some way? We need to keep doing the work to build a new one?
Finding the direction that exists within ourselves feels like the path to me right now - understanding what is truly me and what is the mask.
It's hard work. We're all going to have to help each other find our ways.
You’ve hit the nail on the head. Masking isn’t just for neurodivergent folks. It’s for all of us who feel obligated to override ourselves in order to get our needs met. I love that by bringing more awareness to the mask, the more it can slip, or fall away. The more choice there is.
Brave af good job
Aw thanks!
I'm an autistic guy. I don't know who I am around other people without a mask. Me not masking is me being very quiet, very reserved, and leaving without telling anyone at the first seemingly socially acceptable moment. I don't know what it would mean for me to act or be around others without masking and I'm not even sure if that's something I'm capable of. The only place I interact with others without being masked is anonymously or pseudonymously over the Internet, but doing things over the Internet has built in mask.
All of my social interactions with anybody in person is a performance or a mask. I don't know any other way to be.
Excellent post! Really great framing in drawing those parallels. I also thought of code-switching.
Thanks 🙏 😊
As a late-diagnosed autistic woman, I am very experienced with masking and de-masking. Masking is very tiring, limiting and anxiety producing. You will never feel loved or accepted if it's your mask that you present. So ditching the mask is a good thing.
But after ten years, I am still learning how to live authentically. You have to look for commonality at all times. Focus on that commonality. Your real self will offend or discomfort people and you need to be aware of that - and not impose it unnecessarily. You need to examine why it offends - and maybe real personal change is needed. Or compassion.
Man this really hit me. Im just tired. Tired of being the one people depend on. Tired of not complaining, of keeping a stiff upper lip. Even as I write this I feel ashamed for complaining. I hear those words,”suck it up” “be a man” “stop whining”. My mask is slipping I’m afraid.
You're doing great! Keep letting it slip. I really appreciate you sharing how tired you are. Reading this helped me feel less alone in this. Keep sharing your experience!