I’m a teacher & my husband is an engineer. The gap in our salaries very subtly germinated into his perception that his job is more important than mine. Our division of household labor has followed a traditional pattern with me doing most of the food prep & laundry while he does most of the yard work. It has been a struggle to break out of the rigidity of habit and I think that both of our struggles with mental health have been exacerbated by a lot of “default settings.”
Most of my clients are men who are experiencing relationship conflict about this exact thing. It's one of the big challenges I'm trying to figure out how to solve through my newsletter. Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm lucky that I hate yardwork and really enjoy cooking. I also like a clean and tidy house more than my partner, so I end up doing an equal amount of cleaning.
The Caliban and the Witch by Silvia Federici talks about this as well! In early medieval French tales, older woman had sexual adventures and were just as bawdy as any other character. By later medieval times, gender roles and mores on feminine sexuality were already getting more rigid to mitigate economic and cultural solidarity between genders
Coming from a religious background, there's so much toxic gender differences laced throughout a lot of ancient texts. But most people don't realize they were essentially propaganda. Most people couldn't read then, so they were read to, taught what it meant to be a good man or a faithful wife, the consequences of which trickled down and mutated into what our culture is today. The mere fact that so many men and women today are being exposed to a different way of life is encouraging. I really do think we're on a positive path.
I was just going to comment exactly this, that there are a lot of gender norming activities going on in the ancient and medieval worlds, it's not just that it all changed during the industrial revolution. But, as you point out, the context of those societies is very very important. Some societies had stronger gender norms than others and sometimes they were at war with each other for cultural dominance. Also, people had radically different relationships with their children since many didn't survive to adulthood, thus putting really different pressures and freedoms on mothers and fathers.
Not cis, but I remember being taught never to cry in front of other people. Crying was viewed as something shameful, something nobody was supposed to know you did.
I have only seen my father cry twice in almost 40 years.
I will admit, I was, until recently, one of those feminists who was very dismissive of what I now see as the very real harm that patriarchy Inflicts on men. Your column has been instrumental in that shift (along with Richard Reeves, bell hooks, Ruth Whippman, among others). So thank you for this space. Toxic masculinity mainly shows up in the ongoing debate my husband.and I have about how we are raising our son, best exemplified by the time we each read a few books that had influenced our parenting philosophy. I gave him Dr. Becky and Janet Lansbury, he gave me Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations and Between the World and Me. While I love that he models doing far more than half of the domestic labor, I struggle with his deep commitment to self discipline and stoicism and his relative social isolation. Would love further columns about how men can start to crack open that protective stoic armor.
I love that topic! The post I'm about to put out in a few hours is actually sort of about that. I think that's the biggest value of the therapy and men's work I've been doing. I'm not longer convinced that independence and self-discipline are the most important virtues, like I once did as a younger man.
A fascinating and educational read. I just had a discussion with another male friend about this perceived difference of women being more emotional than men. My experience is that the argument is absurd. It is prevalent though. For example, in the workplace, in my experience, when a woman makes a strong case for a course of action, men will call her "emotional", but when the presenter is a man, then his presentation had "conviction".
The worst way that 'traditional masculinity' manifested in my life was intense emotional repression. My mind consistently repeated the word "gaman" (我慢), Japanese for "endure." I learned to think of it as a sort Samurai stoicism, without realizing how unhealthy it was
So I didn't seek out mental health care until I told a high school teacher that my suicidal thoughts became too much to bear. Even then, I was so scared to seek help that I had nightmares about being sent against my will to Bellevue
It's been really tough to learn how to process my emotions in a healthier way, although I'm quite fortunate to be under the care of some really great mental health professionals and social workers
I know other men of Japanese ancestry who repress their emotions like that. Reaching out to my best male friends and sharing my emotions has been good for me. It's a step that I think other men can try for themselves also
Mahalo for your exploration of how 'traditional masculinity' isn't quite so traditional either in other cultures or even our own. Since these notions of masculinity are not some immutable law of physics, we can choose to change them, to the benefit of everyone, men, women, and non-binary alike
I love that you shared this. I can relate. And your experience makes me think of a few of my friends who've been through similar things. Feeling lots of warmth toward you, brother 🧡
I’m a teacher & my husband is an engineer. The gap in our salaries very subtly germinated into his perception that his job is more important than mine. Our division of household labor has followed a traditional pattern with me doing most of the food prep & laundry while he does most of the yard work. It has been a struggle to break out of the rigidity of habit and I think that both of our struggles with mental health have been exacerbated by a lot of “default settings.”
Most of my clients are men who are experiencing relationship conflict about this exact thing. It's one of the big challenges I'm trying to figure out how to solve through my newsletter. Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm lucky that I hate yardwork and really enjoy cooking. I also like a clean and tidy house more than my partner, so I end up doing an equal amount of cleaning.
The Caliban and the Witch by Silvia Federici talks about this as well! In early medieval French tales, older woman had sexual adventures and were just as bawdy as any other character. By later medieval times, gender roles and mores on feminine sexuality were already getting more rigid to mitigate economic and cultural solidarity between genders
Love that book! She’s one of my biggest influences 😀
Found it—still looking for an e-book, though
Coming from a religious background, there's so much toxic gender differences laced throughout a lot of ancient texts. But most people don't realize they were essentially propaganda. Most people couldn't read then, so they were read to, taught what it meant to be a good man or a faithful wife, the consequences of which trickled down and mutated into what our culture is today. The mere fact that so many men and women today are being exposed to a different way of life is encouraging. I really do think we're on a positive path.
I was just going to comment exactly this, that there are a lot of gender norming activities going on in the ancient and medieval worlds, it's not just that it all changed during the industrial revolution. But, as you point out, the context of those societies is very very important. Some societies had stronger gender norms than others and sometimes they were at war with each other for cultural dominance. Also, people had radically different relationships with their children since many didn't survive to adulthood, thus putting really different pressures and freedoms on mothers and fathers.
Not cis, but I remember being taught never to cry in front of other people. Crying was viewed as something shameful, something nobody was supposed to know you did.
I have only seen my father cry twice in almost 40 years.
I saw my dad cry for the first time last year! It was so healing.
I will admit, I was, until recently, one of those feminists who was very dismissive of what I now see as the very real harm that patriarchy Inflicts on men. Your column has been instrumental in that shift (along with Richard Reeves, bell hooks, Ruth Whippman, among others). So thank you for this space. Toxic masculinity mainly shows up in the ongoing debate my husband.and I have about how we are raising our son, best exemplified by the time we each read a few books that had influenced our parenting philosophy. I gave him Dr. Becky and Janet Lansbury, he gave me Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations and Between the World and Me. While I love that he models doing far more than half of the domestic labor, I struggle with his deep commitment to self discipline and stoicism and his relative social isolation. Would love further columns about how men can start to crack open that protective stoic armor.
I love that topic! The post I'm about to put out in a few hours is actually sort of about that. I think that's the biggest value of the therapy and men's work I've been doing. I'm not longer convinced that independence and self-discipline are the most important virtues, like I once did as a younger man.
A fascinating and educational read. I just had a discussion with another male friend about this perceived difference of women being more emotional than men. My experience is that the argument is absurd. It is prevalent though. For example, in the workplace, in my experience, when a woman makes a strong case for a course of action, men will call her "emotional", but when the presenter is a man, then his presentation had "conviction".
The worst way that 'traditional masculinity' manifested in my life was intense emotional repression. My mind consistently repeated the word "gaman" (我慢), Japanese for "endure." I learned to think of it as a sort Samurai stoicism, without realizing how unhealthy it was
So I didn't seek out mental health care until I told a high school teacher that my suicidal thoughts became too much to bear. Even then, I was so scared to seek help that I had nightmares about being sent against my will to Bellevue
It's been really tough to learn how to process my emotions in a healthier way, although I'm quite fortunate to be under the care of some really great mental health professionals and social workers
I know other men of Japanese ancestry who repress their emotions like that. Reaching out to my best male friends and sharing my emotions has been good for me. It's a step that I think other men can try for themselves also
Mahalo for your exploration of how 'traditional masculinity' isn't quite so traditional either in other cultures or even our own. Since these notions of masculinity are not some immutable law of physics, we can choose to change them, to the benefit of everyone, men, women, and non-binary alike
I love that you shared this. I can relate. And your experience makes me think of a few of my friends who've been through similar things. Feeling lots of warmth toward you, brother 🧡