I posed this question not only for myself, but because this issue has been coming up routinely in my coaching practice since the November election. Personally, I’m not looking to “end” relationships with anyone. But how much time and energy I am willing to invest in some relationships is another question.
The problems that arise around this issue with clients are never really about politics. I don’t know anyone who intends to turn their backs on family members because of their political beliefs. But I do know people, me included, who realize they need to set limits in those relationships because their loved ones dismiss their beliefs and repeatedly invalidate their legitimate concerns for the country they love. This example tells me that the political beliefs aren’t problematic in and of themselves. They reveal other problems that already exist in relationships.
Shortly after Biden bowed out of the 2024 race and Kamala Harris took the helm, I bought a hat from her campaign. It’s the sort of thing I’ve done in most presidential election years in my life. There were a couple differences. The other times MAGA didn’t exist, and, during other election cycles, I lived a thousand miles from my much older siblings. Wouldn’t you know that hat, the arrival of which I awaited eagerly, landed on my doorstep a few hours before our monthly sibling dinner.
We were to meet at a restaurant where plenty of people would be wearing hats, but I thought twice before wearing it because of one sibling I thought it might irritate. I remember looking in the mirror and asking myself: do you want to tiptoe their feelings, or do you want to respect yourself. I chose the latter.
There were a couple awkward comments about the hat, but nothing that seemed too significant. However, I got a call from my youngest sister several days later, asking if I would come to her house so we could talk. Another sister had been gossiping about me wearing that hat among siblings and aunts and cousins, to the point where it made my youngest sister feel uncomfortable. She felt like she was betraying me for not speaking up on my behalf.
The statement that the older sister continued to make behind my back for months was this. “I just don’t understand why he would wear that.” This reinforced something I already knew. She doesn’t know me very well. I’m the guy who wears the hat whether she likes it or not.
The half-assed, non-apology apology she texted to me a week or two after our dinner (in which she said things like “I don’t want to think about politics. I just want to spend time with my siblings.”) made it clear that she doesn’t really want to know me.
What bothers me as much as anything about all this is the double standard in my relationship with this sister. She’s a good person and has done a lot of good in her life. She means well. That said, I abhor many of her core beliefs and have never given her any shit about them. It's none of my business. Yet, she feels emboldened enough to take issue with her younger brother (who is a 52-year-old man) for wearing a hat that represents an opposing set of beliefs.
So, for me, it’s not that I don’t want to have a relationship with my sister, who voted for he who I refuse to name, if she voted at all. It’s that I don’t invest in relationships with people who talk about me behind my back. It’s that I want that sister to understand I am not the least bit open to her thoughts on my attire and I will not entertain them. How she feels about what I wear or what I believe is for her to deal with, not me. I want her to treat me with the same respect I treat her, and if she is not willing to do that, she won’t be seeing much of me.
I also want her to understand that I will not water down who I am to make her feel more comfortable; if she doesn’t like spending time with me the way I am, she doesn’t have to spend time with me at all. And I wouldn’t want her to feel bad about that.
My sister and I haven’t spoken in several months. I haven’t yet expressed these things to her. I won’t until I know I can do so with dignity and grace.
Looking at all my relationships from a higher point of view, I believe we find ourselves at a pivotal moment in the history of this country. Even those who have managed to avoid picking a side to this point will have to pick a side eventually. I don’t think there is any getting around that.
Whether or not we are family, no matter our history, if you pick the insurrectionist, the convicted felon, the misogynist, the fascist, the anarchist; if you choose cruelty over kindness, you are not my people. No matter how badly I might want you to be.
I've been battling with this a lot lately. For me, a major source of stress comes from not knowing where my parents stand exactly on politics at this present moment. I know that they are likely single issue (abortion) voters, but I just can't understand why anyone who thinks of themselves as Christian could align with the current republican party.
They're pretty far removed from my day to day life so I don't need to think on them often, but this sense of dreading the conversation has made me avoidant with them. Through conversations with my therapist I've been able to identify the "warrior" part of me that is willing to "burn the fields" and "salt the earth" - completely cut ties. This part sees things in black and white, and I've come to realize that this is the same or similar part my parents that likely leads to the single issue, narrowmindedness that makes it impossible for them to vote for a democrat.
I still have a ton of work to do before I'm ready to have one or more direct conversations with them about all of this, but through therapy I've found that the thought of it isn't nearly as dreadful as it used to be.
I see the ideas you laid out here as very important foundations for choosing paths with different people regarding political strife. I very much agree that people do not change their minds unless they have a relationship with you. They need to feel safe first. And nobody likes being told they are wrong, but there are ways to change without direct confrontation. People value their ideas, so even when we think we are on the right side we can be compassionate with them and ourselves by not engaging so much in debates fueled by rage and self-righteousness. Setting boundaries is so so so important in the case of close relationships, and sometimes an undervalued skill in political arguments.
This spoke to a lot of what I'm feeling, thank you.
I'm thinking about that guy in a recent Wisconsin meeting where he changed his mind based on the testimony of trans folk. I'm not saying there is no place for debate, boundaries, and firm stances (I'm not going to be in relationship with a Nazi) but I do wonder how much people are malleable when we are human to each other.
I wish I had it in me to debate. I spent my whole life trying to convince my father to be a decent and kind person but he was born without the brain bits that would have given him the capacity for empathy and compassion. So I’m burned out.
I see the value in establishing a safe relationship and using that as a grounding point to convince people to change. You’re absolutely correct that people won’t change without a safe relationship a sense of feeling loved and heard.
Thanks for reading and commenting. I’m glad you made that decision to stop trying to debate your father. I’ve needed to do that a few times and it’s a really hard decision to come to even if it’s necessary.
Yeah it blows when you have to limit contact with a parent. My father was probably a covert Narcissist and openly fiendish when he was behind closed doors. Even with all that it took decades before I had to cut him off completely.
I think it’ll be a while before I can politically reconnect with my relatives in an empathetic manner with people. I actually have very little contact with them anyway.
I have very little contact with my FIL too. Dude isn’t a narc - just pleasantly vacuous.
I’m beginning to realize that for most of y’all, there’s no line, no action, no policy that would make you confront the supposedly safest people in your lives about “thoughts and votes”. You’re just going to “tsk tsk” or avoid Thanksgiving while so many people are evicted, jailed and live in fear. You are why it’s not safe for so many people.
I posed this question not only for myself, but because this issue has been coming up routinely in my coaching practice since the November election. Personally, I’m not looking to “end” relationships with anyone. But how much time and energy I am willing to invest in some relationships is another question.
The problems that arise around this issue with clients are never really about politics. I don’t know anyone who intends to turn their backs on family members because of their political beliefs. But I do know people, me included, who realize they need to set limits in those relationships because their loved ones dismiss their beliefs and repeatedly invalidate their legitimate concerns for the country they love. This example tells me that the political beliefs aren’t problematic in and of themselves. They reveal other problems that already exist in relationships.
Shortly after Biden bowed out of the 2024 race and Kamala Harris took the helm, I bought a hat from her campaign. It’s the sort of thing I’ve done in most presidential election years in my life. There were a couple differences. The other times MAGA didn’t exist, and, during other election cycles, I lived a thousand miles from my much older siblings. Wouldn’t you know that hat, the arrival of which I awaited eagerly, landed on my doorstep a few hours before our monthly sibling dinner.
We were to meet at a restaurant where plenty of people would be wearing hats, but I thought twice before wearing it because of one sibling I thought it might irritate. I remember looking in the mirror and asking myself: do you want to tiptoe their feelings, or do you want to respect yourself. I chose the latter.
There were a couple awkward comments about the hat, but nothing that seemed too significant. However, I got a call from my youngest sister several days later, asking if I would come to her house so we could talk. Another sister had been gossiping about me wearing that hat among siblings and aunts and cousins, to the point where it made my youngest sister feel uncomfortable. She felt like she was betraying me for not speaking up on my behalf.
The statement that the older sister continued to make behind my back for months was this. “I just don’t understand why he would wear that.” This reinforced something I already knew. She doesn’t know me very well. I’m the guy who wears the hat whether she likes it or not.
The half-assed, non-apology apology she texted to me a week or two after our dinner (in which she said things like “I don’t want to think about politics. I just want to spend time with my siblings.”) made it clear that she doesn’t really want to know me.
What bothers me as much as anything about all this is the double standard in my relationship with this sister. She’s a good person and has done a lot of good in her life. She means well. That said, I abhor many of her core beliefs and have never given her any shit about them. It's none of my business. Yet, she feels emboldened enough to take issue with her younger brother (who is a 52-year-old man) for wearing a hat that represents an opposing set of beliefs.
So, for me, it’s not that I don’t want to have a relationship with my sister, who voted for he who I refuse to name, if she voted at all. It’s that I don’t invest in relationships with people who talk about me behind my back. It’s that I want that sister to understand I am not the least bit open to her thoughts on my attire and I will not entertain them. How she feels about what I wear or what I believe is for her to deal with, not me. I want her to treat me with the same respect I treat her, and if she is not willing to do that, she won’t be seeing much of me.
I also want her to understand that I will not water down who I am to make her feel more comfortable; if she doesn’t like spending time with me the way I am, she doesn’t have to spend time with me at all. And I wouldn’t want her to feel bad about that.
My sister and I haven’t spoken in several months. I haven’t yet expressed these things to her. I won’t until I know I can do so with dignity and grace.
Looking at all my relationships from a higher point of view, I believe we find ourselves at a pivotal moment in the history of this country. Even those who have managed to avoid picking a side to this point will have to pick a side eventually. I don’t think there is any getting around that.
Whether or not we are family, no matter our history, if you pick the insurrectionist, the convicted felon, the misogynist, the fascist, the anarchist; if you choose cruelty over kindness, you are not my people. No matter how badly I might want you to be.
I've been battling with this a lot lately. For me, a major source of stress comes from not knowing where my parents stand exactly on politics at this present moment. I know that they are likely single issue (abortion) voters, but I just can't understand why anyone who thinks of themselves as Christian could align with the current republican party.
They're pretty far removed from my day to day life so I don't need to think on them often, but this sense of dreading the conversation has made me avoidant with them. Through conversations with my therapist I've been able to identify the "warrior" part of me that is willing to "burn the fields" and "salt the earth" - completely cut ties. This part sees things in black and white, and I've come to realize that this is the same or similar part my parents that likely leads to the single issue, narrowmindedness that makes it impossible for them to vote for a democrat.
I still have a ton of work to do before I'm ready to have one or more direct conversations with them about all of this, but through therapy I've found that the thought of it isn't nearly as dreadful as it used to be.
Great article!
Man, I got chills reading this. You’re doing some really courageous work! Love ya, Mike!
I see the ideas you laid out here as very important foundations for choosing paths with different people regarding political strife. I very much agree that people do not change their minds unless they have a relationship with you. They need to feel safe first. And nobody likes being told they are wrong, but there are ways to change without direct confrontation. People value their ideas, so even when we think we are on the right side we can be compassionate with them and ourselves by not engaging so much in debates fueled by rage and self-righteousness. Setting boundaries is so so so important in the case of close relationships, and sometimes an undervalued skill in political arguments.
This spoke to a lot of what I'm feeling, thank you.
I'm thinking about that guy in a recent Wisconsin meeting where he changed his mind based on the testimony of trans folk. I'm not saying there is no place for debate, boundaries, and firm stances (I'm not going to be in relationship with a Nazi) but I do wonder how much people are malleable when we are human to each other.
https://www.upworthy.com/man-changes-mind-anti-trans-law
I wish I had it in me to debate. I spent my whole life trying to convince my father to be a decent and kind person but he was born without the brain bits that would have given him the capacity for empathy and compassion. So I’m burned out.
I see the value in establishing a safe relationship and using that as a grounding point to convince people to change. You’re absolutely correct that people won’t change without a safe relationship a sense of feeling loved and heard.
Thanks for reading and commenting. I’m glad you made that decision to stop trying to debate your father. I’ve needed to do that a few times and it’s a really hard decision to come to even if it’s necessary.
Thanks man.
Yeah it blows when you have to limit contact with a parent. My father was probably a covert Narcissist and openly fiendish when he was behind closed doors. Even with all that it took decades before I had to cut him off completely.
I think it’ll be a while before I can politically reconnect with my relatives in an empathetic manner with people. I actually have very little contact with them anyway.
I have very little contact with my FIL too. Dude isn’t a narc - just pleasantly vacuous.
I’m beginning to realize that for most of y’all, there’s no line, no action, no policy that would make you confront the supposedly safest people in your lives about “thoughts and votes”. You’re just going to “tsk tsk” or avoid Thanksgiving while so many people are evicted, jailed and live in fear. You are why it’s not safe for so many people.