Very interesting read! And great question: Have I been held back by traditional gender roles?
I have been ruminating on this very question recently and I think yes. I never imagine that my progressive husband and I a feminist would succumb to traditional gender roles, but boy did we!
I am about to turn 52, I am financially dependent on my husband, I have a very eclectic resume with notable gaps, and I’m closing in on being too tired to want to start over in the workforce.
My husband’s career was the de facto priority from the get go. He is very high achieving, has a PhD, and is well employed. His job is very rewarding for him but also very demanding, zapping his energy and keeping him away from his house and family for long hours. While I do not begrudge him the career that he worked so hard for, it is hard not to sometimes feel abandoned.
For his (rhetorical) abandonment of his family he is rewarded with a paycheck, promotions, status, and prestige. Whereas my decision to NOT (rhetorically) abandon my family has left me a bit at loose ends.
I also think about the fact that If my husband had never met me, and he remained a childless bachelor, his life would differ very little from his life now, right down to how he spends his leisure time. My hypothetical life without my husband and kids, would likely be very different!
Im trying to make the argument that traditional gender roles have held me back more, but I think it has held us both back. His absenteeism has negatively impacted his relationship with his kids and his feelings towards me, as well as inhibiting his ability to feel connected to the community we live in.
So, yeah, gendered capitalism is a pretty raw deal for both sexes and I think its corrosiveness is reaching a tipping point.
I have been the sole breadwinner for some time, but also the planner of all things domestic.
I know what size shoe everybody wears and when it's time to size up or replace because the soles are worn through.
I have labelled and organised and stored and spread-sheet-ed kids' clothes and shoes 3 seasons ahead (not just outfits and sneakers, but formal wear, training pants, undershirts, thermal leggings, scouring reviews to make sure I get the brand of rain boots and shoes that allow for optimal foot development and also protect from slips and falls). I cause shorts and (neon for safety) swimmers and sandals to appear when it gets warm, and ensure that warm pants, socks, and boots once the first chill hits the air.
I also circulate used clothes within our community to build social capital with other families, seek out and vet other mom-friends and check in on them so that we can set up playdates so that my kid is properly socialised and exposed to plenty of different types of families that share our values.
I look up and budget for swimming classes, gymnastics, forest activities, and keep a close eye on our child's interests so that the activities we plan suit his needs in each season.
I found and registered us for daycare. I email the daycare with detailed feedback in my HUSBAND'S native language with requests on diapering, rest, quiet time, my child's temperament, celebrating special occasions like festivals and birthdays, and the daycare replies to me and never my husband despite me always adding him in CC. I read the daycare menu and think about what other vegetables, fruits, and proteins I need to include in the three dinners I cook a week to maximise exposure to different nutrients and flavours and textures.
Yet my stay-home spouse is applauded for showing up at daycare pickup and drop-off, "such a good dad!" for playing ball, going to the playground and library, doing laundry, buying groceries and cooking dinner 4x a week, dusting and vacuuming once a week. I keep the household budget, deep-clean the bathroom with organic and non-toxic cleaning agents that I purchased for our family, and spend almost every free moment I have on childcare out of guilt.
And that arrangement is considered progressive, 50-50%, and when I talk about it to others they tell me I'm the lucky one and should not be keeping score.
I love him and I am thankful for him, but I am glad he is starting work next week.
Great thing to highlight! I had heard this before about the idea of domesticity coming in conjunction with the wane of agrarian society. And how interesting that when we focus on life on farms during agrarian society, BOTH men and women worked the land and stayed at home. Families all worked together and lived in their farms (with some variation, I’m sure). So we went from both parents in the home to neither to women only back to neither—though it seems that in some cases of remote work arrangements, we could be coming back to both, too. Recognizing the latter as a privilege.
Very interesting read! And great question: Have I been held back by traditional gender roles?
I have been ruminating on this very question recently and I think yes. I never imagine that my progressive husband and I a feminist would succumb to traditional gender roles, but boy did we!
I am about to turn 52, I am financially dependent on my husband, I have a very eclectic resume with notable gaps, and I’m closing in on being too tired to want to start over in the workforce.
My husband’s career was the de facto priority from the get go. He is very high achieving, has a PhD, and is well employed. His job is very rewarding for him but also very demanding, zapping his energy and keeping him away from his house and family for long hours. While I do not begrudge him the career that he worked so hard for, it is hard not to sometimes feel abandoned.
For his (rhetorical) abandonment of his family he is rewarded with a paycheck, promotions, status, and prestige. Whereas my decision to NOT (rhetorically) abandon my family has left me a bit at loose ends.
I also think about the fact that If my husband had never met me, and he remained a childless bachelor, his life would differ very little from his life now, right down to how he spends his leisure time. My hypothetical life without my husband and kids, would likely be very different!
Im trying to make the argument that traditional gender roles have held me back more, but I think it has held us both back. His absenteeism has negatively impacted his relationship with his kids and his feelings towards me, as well as inhibiting his ability to feel connected to the community we live in.
So, yeah, gendered capitalism is a pretty raw deal for both sexes and I think its corrosiveness is reaching a tipping point.
Thanks for sharing! Totally agree on your last point.
I have been the sole breadwinner for some time, but also the planner of all things domestic.
I know what size shoe everybody wears and when it's time to size up or replace because the soles are worn through.
I have labelled and organised and stored and spread-sheet-ed kids' clothes and shoes 3 seasons ahead (not just outfits and sneakers, but formal wear, training pants, undershirts, thermal leggings, scouring reviews to make sure I get the brand of rain boots and shoes that allow for optimal foot development and also protect from slips and falls). I cause shorts and (neon for safety) swimmers and sandals to appear when it gets warm, and ensure that warm pants, socks, and boots once the first chill hits the air.
I also circulate used clothes within our community to build social capital with other families, seek out and vet other mom-friends and check in on them so that we can set up playdates so that my kid is properly socialised and exposed to plenty of different types of families that share our values.
I look up and budget for swimming classes, gymnastics, forest activities, and keep a close eye on our child's interests so that the activities we plan suit his needs in each season.
I found and registered us for daycare. I email the daycare with detailed feedback in my HUSBAND'S native language with requests on diapering, rest, quiet time, my child's temperament, celebrating special occasions like festivals and birthdays, and the daycare replies to me and never my husband despite me always adding him in CC. I read the daycare menu and think about what other vegetables, fruits, and proteins I need to include in the three dinners I cook a week to maximise exposure to different nutrients and flavours and textures.
Yet my stay-home spouse is applauded for showing up at daycare pickup and drop-off, "such a good dad!" for playing ball, going to the playground and library, doing laundry, buying groceries and cooking dinner 4x a week, dusting and vacuuming once a week. I keep the household budget, deep-clean the bathroom with organic and non-toxic cleaning agents that I purchased for our family, and spend almost every free moment I have on childcare out of guilt.
And that arrangement is considered progressive, 50-50%, and when I talk about it to others they tell me I'm the lucky one and should not be keeping score.
I love him and I am thankful for him, but I am glad he is starting work next week.
Great thing to highlight! I had heard this before about the idea of domesticity coming in conjunction with the wane of agrarian society. And how interesting that when we focus on life on farms during agrarian society, BOTH men and women worked the land and stayed at home. Families all worked together and lived in their farms (with some variation, I’m sure). So we went from both parents in the home to neither to women only back to neither—though it seems that in some cases of remote work arrangements, we could be coming back to both, too. Recognizing the latter as a privilege.
Yeah I’m curious how the next few years/decades will look in terms of family/community/living patterns as more folks shift to remote work!
I did not know that the industrial revolution was a woman strong phenomenon.
Also, it's really nice to read this: "But feminist movements have made a lot of progress and improved society greatly since the late 1800s."
Thanks.
I didn’t know it either. Thank you for reading!
You meant to say *womxn