You like the type of porn you like for a reason

A private message from my sex therapy professor helped me understand myself better and improve my sex life.

The biggest lesson I learned in all of grad school was that compassion—the opposite of shame—is the most powerful way to help people change their lives for the better.

I learned it in an unexpected way, in a private message from my sex therapy professor. That week we’d read an essay about porn and were asked to share our thoughts in a message board post.

Because the professor had been accepting and compassionate in discussions about other topics—like polyamory and BDSM—I decided to be open and honest. I shared the type of porn I like the most and how ashamed I was for liking it. She responded:

“You like videos with anal sex because they turn you on. This is fine... :) Not all partners will want certain things but desiring them is simple and normal. There is no act that is superior or inferior to another if partners want to and are consenting enthusiastically.”

Woooosh. Her message hit me like a soft breeze of feathers. Like a big warm hug. Decades of embarrassment lifted from my shoulders. I felt like a human being—not a teenage boy masturbating in hiding in my room.

I learned what actually turns me on

I’d read that anal porn had been skyrocketing in popularity in the last few years. But I’d still been too ashamed to admit to anyone, even past girlfriends, that I liked it—that it turned me on. I’d kept it my dirty little secret.

Despite the popularity, I’d felt alone. Heterosexual anal sex is rarely mentioned or depicted in mainstream society, and when it is, it’s usually a hateful homophobic joke. Hell, porn is rarely mentioned or depicted beyond jokes about teenage boys masturbating all the time.

My professor’s message not only lifted the shame from my shoulders, but it also clarified something that has since helped my sex life. It made me reflect on what actually turns me on about anal porn. Sure, that it’s still (somehow) a taboo adds to the sexiness. But what really turns me on is that female performers usually appear to truly enjoy it.

That’s not often the case with most mainstream porn. Usually, it’s an over the top and often unrealistic depiction of sex. Just like the men having bigger than average penises, the women often exaggerate how much pleasure they’re experiencing.

But it doesn’t seem that way with anal porn. It appears that women having anal sex in porn experience real, overpowering, body-shaking orgasms. I’m stressing the word “appears,” because how would I really know? (Apparently, though, there are anatomical reasons that my hunch is true.)

It’s not about the particular sex act

I’ve learned that what really turns me on is when my partner is... really turned on. It’s not about the particular type of sex. It’s not about the particular fantasy (though fantasies can be hot, too). It’s about helping my partner experience a high amount of pleasure in her body. I don’t like when it seems fake or acted out on my behalf. I like the real deal. I didn’t know that until my sex therapy professor showed me acceptance and compassion.

This is all to say that if you’re in a relationship and you’re hiding that you like porn (or a specific type of porn), I understand. It feels safer to keep it locked away in a closet in your brain. A part of you probably thinks that bringing it up would permanently damage the relationship.

But—as long as the porn you like involves enthusiastically consenting adults—what’s really happening is that you’re withholding the open communication and vulnerability needed to create more fun and deeper intimacy. You’re starving your sex of some amount of eroticism. If you’re like me, you’re also missing out on knowing yourself better—knowing what truly turns you on.

Here’s a tip: Bring it up to your guy friends first. Talk about it in therapy. That’s what I did. That’s what gave me the courage to write about it in my sex therapy class—and the courage to write about it in public, like this.

(Just so you know, a while back I wrote about the problems with mainstream porn and how it teaches heterosexual men to have worse sex. You aren’t bad for watching the porn you like—but you might want to check out ethical, sex-positive porn sites that pay performers fairly and are truly made with enthusiastic consent, like Bellesa.)

Now, in the comments below (or email me at jeremy@jeremymohler.blog): How do you feel about porn? How does it enhance or interfere with your sex life?