Why you avoid intimacy but want it so bad at the same time

Answering a subscriber question about having an avoidant attachment style.

Here’s another Q&A post! If you’re a paid subscriber ($5/month), you’ll get one most weeks (when I’m not too busy with therapy clients or trying to actually, you know, take a break).

Anyone can ask me questions about relationships, masculinity, therapy, anything... Reply to this email and I’ll send you my thoughts directly. I might also feature your question (anonymously) in a future post, like this one!

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This week’s question from a subscriber is...

“[I would like] more consistency and psychological safety in my relationships. I tend to struggle because I quickly become overwhelmed with internal push-pull dynamics and end up panicking and avoiding.”

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It sounds like you might have an avoidant attachment style, which is what I have. I relate to the “panicking and avoiding.” I feel it often when my partner moves towards me wanting to kiss, cuddle, or even just tell me about something she’s struggling with a friend or at work.

The confusing thing is my partner is extremely safe. She’s never physically hurt me. I’m much taller and heavier than her. She’s never intentionally hurt me emotionally.

Why do I want to pull away so often? Why do I panic, like something bad is going to happen and I need to get out of there? Why is there also that “push-pull?” How can I be dying inside for more connection at the same time?

I don’t know about you, but for me it’s frustrating and sometimes hopeless. Things feel safer for a while and I’m feeling more open, but then it feels like I’m right back to where I started with the avoidance.

What’s helped is learning that I’m not choosing to panic and pull away. It’s my nervous system. It’s the way my body and mind are wired. Somewhat because of what I inherited from my parents and ancestors. And somewhat because of experiences with other people when I was young.

The panicking and avoiding happens because my body is sensing a threat or feeling overwhelmed, so it disconnects from the situation to protect me. I look to the side or start thinking about something else or walk out of the room. I pull away and dissociate.