Why men ghost

An admittedly generous take...

Here’s another Friday Q&A post! These are an experiment in giving give paid subscribers a little extra. If you’re a paid subscriber ($5/month), you’ll get one most weeks (when I’m not too busy seeing therapy clients or trying to actually, you know, rest).

Anyone can ask me questions about relationships, masculinity, therapy, anything... Reply to this email and I’ll send you my thoughts directly.

I might also feature your question (anonymously) in a future post, like this one!

This week’s question from a subscriber is...

Though I am not a man, I was compelled to subscribe to your newsletter in the hopes of understanding male behavior better when it comes to dating, i.e., why men ghost, why they lose interest, etc.

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Ah, the eternal question. I hear it almost every time a cis woman friend shares her dating issues with me. Why do men ghost?

I don’t think I’ve ever actually done it. Though, my hunch is a ghoster isn’t actually always aware that he’s ghosting.

That’s because I think it has to do with avoidant attachment. As I wrote recently, men are socialized in capitalist society to be avoidant. To pull away when we’re overwhelmed by what feels like too much emotional closeness. (Women are socialized to be the opposite: to be anxiously attached, to try to move in closer when feeling a lack of emotional closeness.)

Of course, not all men and women fit these tendencies. I’ve dated women who’ve pulled away when I wanted to go deeper emotionally with them (and who, rather than ghost me, at least gave me the courtesy to say they didn’t want to date anymore). They might not have been into me enough to want to take our dating to the next level. But them having an avoidant attachment style could’ve played a role.

I’ve been really digging into my own tendency to avoid emotional intimacy, while learning things from working with therapy clients struggling with dating and relationships. I’m learning that this stuff lives not so much in our heads but in our nervous systems.

Sometimes when my partner pulls in close to cuddle or kiss me, I feel a repulsion. Not toward her, but toward the intimacy. It’s like my body wants to turn away and find space and silence to feel comfortable. I also feel it sometimes when she starts talking to me about something that feels emotional, like drama at work or how much she loves our nephew (who I love too). It feels like too much, too fast. Like I’m suffocating and can’t move.

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I also do it with my friends. I’ve been practicing hugging my guy friends while saying goodbye to each other, and even saying, “I love you.” It’s really f*cking hard. It’s way more comfortable to mutter something like, “Alright, man, see ya later,” and walk away. Which is sort of a subtle form of ghosting.

I don’t like that my body reacts this way. A part of me wants to be available to my partner whenever she needs me (which, of course, isn’t possible). I also want to be able to show my friends how much l care about them. But it’s like something takes over my nervous system.

And that’s literally what’s happening. I really love trauma coach Sarah Baldwin’s work on attachment: