When your partner wants you to talk more

It's counterintuitive, but the trick to being more present with your partner is to focus on yourself first.

Here’s another Friday Q&A post! These are an experiment in giving give paid subscribers something a little extra. If you’re a paid subscriber, you’ll get one each week.

Anyone can ask me questions about relationships, masculinity, therapy, anything... Reply to this email and I’ll send you my thoughts directly. I might feature your question (anonymously) in a future post, like this one.

This week’s question from a subscriber is...

My partner wants me to talk to her more. But I need my alone time. What do I do?

I hear variations of this question from therapy clients all the time. How can I be more emotionally available for my partner? How can I be calmer and more present around my family? I’m already strapped for time; how can I give my partner more?

My answer is counterintuitive: Focus on yourself first. Figure out how what you need to do to be more available and present each day and how much time you need to do it.

Maybe it’s an hour in the morning of quiet time to yourself. Maybe it’s 30 minutes of meditation or vegging out on your phone or working out after you get off work. Experiment. Find the thing that calms your nervous system enough so you can show up more fully for your partner.

Then communicate your needs to them in very specific terms. Often when someone is wanting more time and attention, they’re operating from what’s call an “anxious attachment style.” They’re perceiving your need for space as rejection. They’re worried that you might never return to them, so they try harder and harder to get your attention.