What to do when your partner says you’re being ‘defensive’

Here's how I handle conflict in my relationship.

Here’s another “Advice from a therapist” post for paid subscribers! If you upgrade ($5/month), you’ll get a bonus post like this most weeks (when I’m not too burned out from seeing clients).

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This week’s question from a subscriber is...

My partner says I’m being “defensive” no matter what I say back to her criticism. Like last night she got upset because I was on my phone while we ate dinner. I told her my boss was emailing me. She said I just need to listen and not try to explain away her feelings. It’s like I can’t get anything right.

I want you to know that you’re not alone. I’ve been hearing this from clients and in my men’s groups recently. There’s a disconnect in many heterosexual relationships these days. Women are wanting a certain kind of connection with their partner, and men are struggling to meet that need.

I’m going to assume you want to keep being in this relationship. You probably wouldn’t have emailed me if you didn’t. But if you’ve tried to work on this with her for a while now. If you’ve been honest with her about how her criticism makes you feel. If you’ve gone to couples therapy and nothing has changed. Or if you’ve tried to get her to go to couples therapy and she’s unwilling. Then think about whether it’s worth continuing. I’m getting the sense that you’re frustrated and maybe even hopeless. And while I would never make a recommendation from the outside, it’s probably not a healthy relationship if it makes you feel those things more often than not.

If you want to stay and work on this, start by noticing what you feel when she “criticizes” you. I put “criticizes” in quotes, because that’s your interpretation of what she’s doing. Just like she interprets your response as “defensive.” I’m not saying you’re wrong. I’m saying that you have your version of how this dynamic plays out, and she has her version, which is undoubtedly different. It’s crucial that you stay true to what are facts and what are feelings.

That doesn’t mean feelings aren’t worth anything. In fact, in a relationship, they’re worth almost everything—if you communicate them. What did you feel when she got upset with you being on the phone? Put yourself back in that moment and remember. What sensations were in your body? What thoughts were in your head? What did your body want to do? What did you want to say?