What to do when your partner is 'being emotional'

One word: boundaries.

I hate when a meme nails an issue many men experience, but here’s yet another one:

It’s sad but true. I’m way less interpersonal, or relational, than most women in my life. I don’t randomly text friends to let them know I’m thinking of them. Hell, I barely reach out to friends at all—unless I’m sharing some funny meme or sports news.

I hate talking on the phone. I don’t think to send “thank you” cards after receiving gifts. I’m not good at collaborating with others about our plans together. I’m much more comfortable taking charge and making decisions on my own. I get overwhelmed easily by emotional conversations. It’s way easier for me to think of how to fix someone else’s problem than to just listen and be there for them.

If you’re reading this, I’m sure you’re aware of what makes many men like this. Here’s a quick summary: When we were young, we were taught that expressing emotions was off limits. If we cried or smiled or showed love for other kids, especially other boys, that meant we were like girls, which was bad. Many of us were shamed through words. Some through violence. We felt like we had to handle things all on our own. We couldn’t ask for help—because that meant we were “weak” or, the worst insult of all, a “pussy.”

When your partner is “being emotional”

I want to briefly touch on how struggling with empathy can harm romantic relationships—and what men can do about it.

One of the biggest issues the men who come to me for therapy experience is being overwhelmed when their partner is “being emotional.” I put “being emotional” in quotes, because humans are, in a sense, always emotional. What the men mean is that their partner (usually but not always a woman) wants to connect on a deeper level than watching TV together or talking about the weather. Their partner wants to share how they feel about family drama or a difficult situation at work. Or they want to talk about an issue in the relationship. Something that will require deep attention and vulnerability.

The men I work with say they feel like connecting in this way is too much—especially if they’ve just come home from working all day. They struggle to truly listen. They feel the urge to offer ideas about how to fix their partner’s problems—to get them to relax and stop “being emotional.” They want to grab a beer and drink it alone outside or in front of the TV in peace.

What they end up often doing is only halfway listening, trying to appear to be emotionally available and present. Trying to appear to be a “nice guy.” But they struggle to match their partner’s emotion depth and vulnerability. Their partner doesn’t feel seen or heard. Instead of connection, there’s tension. Instead of intimacy, there’s distance.

Many men have an “avoidant attachment style”

Here’s one way to think about what’s happening in these moments: Us men are responding with what’s called an “avoidant attachment style.”

Each and every human has our own way of handling moments when we feel pressured or threatened. Psychologists call this “attachment style,” the way we relate to other people in these moments. Some of us lean on our partner for support when we’re feeling overwhelmed. Others pull away. We learned our attachment style as kids through how our parents related to us. It’s pretty much hardwired in our nervous system from early on.

In general—and this is super general—women are often taught as girls to have what’s called an “anxious attachment style.” Someone with an anxious style might worry when their partner doesn’t text back right way, or they might constantly fear that their partner may leave them.

Men, on the other hand, are often taught as boys to be avoidant. An avoidant style person is more concerned about autonomy and independence. They often have trouble opening up about their emotions or being intimate in ways other than sex.

This difference has historical, economic, and political reasons, which are too complex to get into here. I touched on them briefly in a recent post. The life coach Kara Loewentheil sums it up this way:

“There are people of every gender identity who display [different] attachment styles, but I am being blatantly heternormative to make a point: A heteronormative society results in gender socialization that is reflective of that heteronormativity. Our attachment styles may seem unique to us, but they actually reflect the values and socialization of society.”

In other words, men are responding in an automatic way because our nervous systems have been shaped to do so. As boys, most of us experienced rejection from our caregivers and other adults when we expressed emotions. Over time we learned to protect ourselves from this rejection by numbing out our nervous system and denying our painful feelings.

All that numbing and denial robbed of us of the skills to know what we—and others—are actually feeling. Our emotional radar is underdeveloped. We feel safer pretending that we’re totally fine than engaging with and sharing what’s really going on inside. We feel safer by ourselves than in deep connection with others.

Setting boundaries can go a long way

What can us men do about it? One word: boundaries. The more you can carve out intentional time for your own needs, the more available you’ll be for others.

If you feel like you have more of an avoidant attachment style, start setting boundaries in your relationship, in dating, in friendships, wherever there’s intimacy. Protect time for yourself. For example, my partner knows that I need a few hours to myself for meditation, reading, and writing most mornings. This helps me be more present and emotionally available when we’re together later in the day. (I wrote about a few of my boundaries here.)

That’s an example of a preemptive boundary, set beforehand. There’s also communicating, in the moment, that you’re feeling overwhelmed and need time to yourself. The next time you feel unable to handle your partner’s emotions, try saying something like, “Hey, I really want to hear this, but I’m feeling worn out. How about let’s talk about it over dinner later after I get some rest?”

Going to therapy can help with learning how to set (and stick with) boundaries. Group therapy, in particular, can be super helpful. (Email me if you need help finding a therapist or group: jeremy@jeremymohler.blog).

And be patient with yourself. As the marriage and family therapist Julie Mennano writes, “Nobody [becomes] emotionally in-touch with themselves and their partner overnight. Look for movement, not perfection.”

In the comments below (or email me at jeremy@jeremymohler.blog): How do you feel when your partner is “being emotional?” What goes through your mind?