Want to improve your relationship in 2024? Do these 3 things.
The first is to meditate every day.
The memory is seared in my brain. I was driving us home from somewhere, my hands tapping the steering wheel at a stoplight. Out of nowhere—at least it felt that way to me—she said, “We need to talk about sex. I haven’t been as turned on recently. I don’t orgasm as hard as I used to. Something is off.”
What I remember most is the frozen feeling. It was like a terrified deer abruptly took over my body. I could barely push the pedal down when the light turned green. “Oh shit,” the deer said inside. “What do I do?”
What I did was say something like, “Yeah, you’re right,” and change the subject. We’d been together for three years by then. I’ll admit, the sex was good but not great. We’d been going through the motions, repeating what worked when we first got together. She’d also brought up that our relationship lacked direction. I’d sidestepped that conversation multiple times too.
I’d figured things would turn around at some point, naturally. I’d figured the magic would just come back, inevitably. I was more focused on my career then, anyway. I hated my job, doing marketing for a tech company. I was in a master’s program outside of work. The relationship was supposed to take care of itself. We were great friends and had a lot of fun. We had a dog and two cats. We were happy.
We didn’t talk about sex or the state of the relationship again until she ended the relationship a few months later. I’ve written about that before. I felt blindsided and devastated—even if there had been bright, glaring signs that we hadn’t been clicking anymore. It sent me on a journey to figure out what I truly want out of life and how to be a better partner. That was nearly a decade ago, before I started going to therapy. Before I learned out how to talk about hard stuff like sex and emotions. Before I became a therapist myself.
It’s the start of a new year. Odds are you’ve got some motivation to make changes in your life.
If you’re in a relationship—even if it’s pretty good right now—there are three things that, looking back, have most improved my relationships since that breakup. As you’ll see, all three have to do with working on yourself so you can better handle uncomfortable, difficult conversations.
According to legendary relationships researcher Dr. John Gottman, what he calls “repair attempts” are the most crucial ingredient to a quality relationship. Repair is “any statement or action, silly or otherwise, that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.” I think of it as any time there’s disconnection between you and your partner, both of you are able to get back on the same page at some point. It could be in the middle of a fight or just a few days or weeks of going through the motions in the relationship.
That’s what my ex was doing—attempting to repair the damage being done by us going through the motions with our sex and not talking about it. I just couldn’t meet her there. I didn’t have it in me. These three things have since helped me build a loving, resilient relationship with my current partner, who I married last fall!
Do something to calm your nervous system, like meditation, every day.
The reason I remember that frozen feeling so well is because emotions live in the body more than they do the mind. Some 80 percent of information that travels between the brain and body goes from the body to the brain. Looking back, I froze up—or, more precisely, my body froze up—because I was overwhelmed with emotion. I wasn’t conscious of it at the time, but I was freaking out inside. I was scared she was going to leave me. I was embarrassed about her not enjoying sex with me. I was worried that I didn’t really know what I was doing in bed. I was terrified to talk about any of it with her. All of that was happening inside at the same time, and my body nearly shut down.
By “body,” I mean nervous system, or the nerves that run through our bodies, controlling our breathing, heart rate, digestion, and more. Our nervous system also controls whether we feel threatened by or safe and connected with others. It determines whether, in the face of a difficult, uncomfortable conversation, we open up and get vulnerable, or we shut down and try to avoid it.
That’s why taking time each day to release tension in the nervous system is so important. I recommend 15-20 minutes of mindfulness meditation in the morning. Sit straight up in a chair, set a timer on your phone, close your eyes, and focus on the sensations of your breath. When you notice that your mind has inevitably wandered to something else—your to-do list, what’s for breakfast, whatever—gently guide it back to your breath. Repeat again and again. (Email me and I’ll send you recordings of guided meditations that can help: jeremy@jeremymohler.blog)
Meditation is like going to the gym for your nervous system. You’ll be better prepared to handle the ups and downs of the day, and better prepared for having the difficult conversations necessary to repair when your relationship gets rocky or feels off.
Go to individual therapy on a regular basis, even if it’s only monthly.
Another reason I remember that frozen feeling is because it’s familiar. After that breakup, I started seeing a therapist regularly. She helped me see that I had a pattern of avoiding conflict going back to being a little boy. My parents often swept difficult situations under the rug. If there was tension between them and friends or other family members, they would smile through it, acting like it didn’t exist until we got into the car to leave. Then they would talk about it all the way home. This modeled for me that avoiding conflict was safer than directly addressing it.
With my therapist’s help, I learned how to challenge this modeling while dating and in relationships. The biggest thing she helped me with was having compassion for myself when I inevitably continued repeating that pattern I learned from my parents (which, of course, they were repeating from their childhoods). Once I saw why I struggle with uncomfortable, tense conversations, it was easier to make changes.
(Email me if you need help finding an affordable therapist: jeremy@jeremymohler.blog)
Find a men’s group that meets regularly.
If meditation is like going to the gym for your nervous system, then joining a men’s group is like going the gym for communication skills. It’s one thing to learn why you struggle with relationship conflict. It’s another to practice stepping into it, over and over again. That’s what a men’s group (or any group therapy that focuses on “process”) offers: The chance to practice repairing when things feel off or downright contentious.
Each week in group therapy I get to build up my conflict muscle more and more. Another member says something that angers me, and I get to practice bringing it up in a way that leads to repair. Another says something that hurts me, and I get to practice again. Another says something that reminds me that I really like them, and I get to practice simply letting them know that.
I’ve written this before, but I’ll say it again: I’ve practiced mindfulness meditation for over a decade, read countless self-help books, and gone to individual therapy for years, but what’s been most transformative in my relationship with my partner, my connection with friends and family, and even my work as a therapist, has been group therapy.
(Again, email me if you need help finding a men’s group or “process” group in your area: jeremy@jeremymohler.blog)
Now, a question for the comments below (or email me: jeremy@jeremymohler.blog): If you’re in one, how do you feel about the way you and your partner communicate?
(P.S. If you become a paid subscriber for $5/month, you’ll be able to comment and join our community call about this topic in early 2024. I’d love to have you there!)