The type of therapy that helped me stop worrying all the time

It's called Internal Family Systems (IFS). But it's not family therapy.

Here’s another Friday Q&A post! These are an experiment in giving give paid subscribers something a little extra. If you’re a paid subscriber, you’ll get one each week.

Anyone can ask me questions about relationships, men’s issues, therapy, anything... Reply to this email and I’ll send you my thoughts directly. I might feature your question (anonymously) in a future post, like this one.

This week’s question is...

How does one go about using Internal Family Systems, either with a therapist or on their own, to gain a stronger sense of Self and purpose?

So, first, for those reading who’ve never heard of Internal Family Systems, or “IFS”... IFS is a form of therapy that’s been getting more and more popular the past few years. It sounds like family therapy. But it’s for individuals.

I encountered it in when my therapist used it with me in early 2018. Back then, I was constantly worrying about getting enough work done and feeling burned out (I still do this a bit!). I was struggling to stay present with other people, because I couldn’t stop checking email and thinking about work. I was having trouble sleeping through the night.

The basic idea in IFS is that our personality is made up of different and often contradictory “parts.” The part of me that worries about getting enough done is really loud in my head. It’s almost always there.

But there are other parts of me too. Another part of me hates working all the time and wants to be loose and relax. Another part of me wants to be out in nature, feeling connected to the universe and not staring at a computer screen all day.

These parts are like little people inside of us. They have their own hopes and fears. They make up our personality and drive us to do the things we do.

IFS gives us ways to communicate with our parts internally, which gives us more choice in how we act externally, out in the world and with other people.

My therapist helped me learn about the part of me that worries about getting enough done. I learned that it absorbed this way of being from my parents when I was young. My parents come from working class backgrounds. Financial independence is a priority in my family—but there’s a looming sense that it’s always at risk of being taken away.