The key to changing your relationship with masturbation
Masturbation is totally normal, natural, and healthy. But if you want to change your relationship to it, let go of the shame.
Masturbating for pleasure is not bad. Masturbating to relieve stress is not bad. Masturbating because you’re bored is not bad. Masturbating just because you want to is not bad.
The only reason you might want to change your relationship with masturbation is if you’re doing it when you don’t want to. When it’s compulsive. Which is what happened to me.
These days, I rarely masturbate—maybe once or twice a month. I used to almost every day, especially when I was single. It was my nightly routine before bed. I’d watch a few minutes of porn, orgasm on a dirty t-shirt from the laundry basket, and pass out.
In my teens and 20s, it was much more random. I’d see an attractive woman on social media or remember someone I had a crush on, and a voice would whisper in my ear to look at porn. Often, the urge seemed to come out of nowhere. Sometimes I’d even masturbate at work in the bathroom.
But then a few things shifted. I got older. Testosterone begins to drop in a man’s 30s (though research is revealing that testosterone’s impact on libido is much more complex than previously thought).
I also started meditating, going to therapy, and doing a lot more to care for my body and nervous system. I’ve learned that the urge to masturbate is similar to the urge I feel to drink alcohol or veg out on Instagram. There’s tension in my body, and I want relief. I now have more freedom and choice in how I relieve that tension. Sometimes I masturbate. But more often I meditate or go for a run.
Let go of the shame
Most importantly, though, I stopped shaming myself. Shame is what keeps us locked into compulsive behaviors. It activates the “fight, flight, freeze” response in our nervous system, the body’s chemical and physical reaction to danger. It overloads our circuits, making it nearly impossible to choose to do what we actually want to do.
It’s counterintuitive, but that inner voice that wants us to stop doing something is the very thing that holds us back from changing. It holds us back because it doesn’t just want us to stop—it hates us because we keep masturbating (or drinking or smoking or whatever). It beats us up inside, because it thinks that if we feel like a piece of shit, we’ll stop doing whatever it is we’re doing. And why believe we can change if deep down inside, fundamentally, we’re a piece of shit?
I realized my shame was out of hand one morning a few years back. I woke up like a normally do—anxious. But this time the inner voice was different. Most mornings I look ahead, worried about getting enough done on my ever-growing to-do list. Instead, my mind was focused on the night before: Was that fucked up? Am I in trouble? Does she think I’m a bad person? Am I addicted to sex? Why did I do that?
The “that” I’d done was sexting with a woman I’d never met. We’d matched on a dating app during Covid lockdown. She lived with a long-term partner in a polyamorous—or “open”—relationship. She was a therapist who helped people navigate alternative lifestyles, particularly polyamory and BDSM/kink. All of that had attracted me. I was taking a sex therapy class in grad school, which was opening my mind to exploring my sexual desires.
We’d sexted late into the night, drawing out the fantasy and postponing the climax. Until I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d orgasmed while staring at her texts and nude photos. Then I’d passed out after a little back and forth about the fun we’d just had.
In the morning, the shame was all-consuming. I felt like a piece of shit. It wasn’t until I meditated and told a friend about what had happened that I felt a little better about myself. He told me it didn’t sound like I’d done anything harmful. She’d enthusiastically consented. In fact, she’d instigated it. All I’d done was have a fun, pleasureful experience. Why was I feeling horrible?
Masturbation is normal, natural, and healthy
Because men don’t talk enough about masturbation. Outside of therapy and men’s groups, we—especially straight men—rarely bring it up. Even in therapy and men’s groups, my clients rarely talk about it and are anxious when they do. When masturbation is portrayed in the public sphere—say, in a movie—it’s often making fun of a man for being like a teenager, as if he can’t control himself. Something’s wrong with him. He’s juvenile. He’s gross. He’s a pervert.
The long history of how masturbation became taboo is too complex to get into. But it wasn’t until 1972 that the American Medical Association declared masturbation as healthy and not a cause of mental disorders. Just 50 years ago.
The truth is masturbation is totally normal, natural, and healthy. Even if it wasn’t, it’s pleasurable. It’s also a form of stress relief, like meditation or exercise. It causes the brain to release hormones that lower stress, including oxytocin, which makes us feel less isolated and more connected. It makes sense that I masturbated a lot when I was single. It also makes sense that I mostly masturbate at night, when I’m too tired to keep working and distracting myself from feeling lonely. I want to feel better. And that’s totally okay.
But if you want to change your relationship to masturbation, start with releasing your shame. Talk about it with trusted friends. Talk about it with your therapist (and if you’re not in therapy, you should try it). Talk about it with your partner.
You’ll be surprised by how accepting and non-shaming people can be. Trust me, they love and believe in you more than you do.
In the comments below (or email me at jeremy@jeremymohler.blog): How do you feel about masturbation? How does it impact your relationship or dating life?