Stop shaming yourself for masturbating

There's a healthy reason you do it.

I’m not feeling the urge to masturbate right now, but I sure did last Thursday.

All the ingredients were there. I was dead tired—I’d slept like sh*t the night before. My calendar was packed with clients and meetings. I was particularly anxious about a call with a couple who were considering seeing me for couples therapy, which I’m still new at. I was on the road much of the day, bouncing between the office and coffee shops.

In a word, I was stressed. And a bit lonely between seeing clients.

I’m beginning to be able to notice the urge in my body. It’s not where you might expect. It’s a tension in the back of my chest. A sense of being on edge. A ton of energy bouncing around inside. And an easily distractible mind.

When I find myself mindlessly scrolling Instagram more than usual—especially when I’m drooling over Instagram models—that’s when I know I’m going to want to masturbate soon.

Sometimes I even pull up porn sites like Pornhub or Eporner on my phone at random times throughout the day when no one is around. I don’t plan to masturbate in those moments. I just get lost in the videos, like I’m surfing YouTube or picking what to watch on Netflix. The more tension and sense of being on edge in my body, the more “hardcore” the porn I find myself watching.

Back when I was younger and single, this would almost always lead to me masturbating just before bed and then passing out. But these days with my partner around, it’s only when she’s out with friends or out of town—when I’m lonely—that I actually get around to doing it.

Last Thursday, I didn’t masturbate. But that on edge feeling was there all day. It distracted me from work and pulled me into Instagram over and over again.

👋 New to this newsletter? I’m Jeremy, a therapist busting the myth of “traditional masculinity” and helping men and couples have better relationships. If you subscribe, you’ll get a free post like this every week. For $5/month you’ll get my Friday Q&A posts with specific advice on how to improve your relationship, get better at dating, raise a boy in a healthy way, support the men in your life, and more. 👋

I’m telling you all these details because talking about it helps me feel less shame.

Men don’t talk about masturbation after our teen years, back when we joked and made fun of each other about it. When it’s portrayed in public—like in a movie—the implication is that only teenagers and men who can’t control themselves masturbate.

The problem with shame is that it keeps us stuck doing things we may not want to do. After orgasming from masturbation—after the rush of good feelings—I’m often disappointed with myself. A voice inside says, why’d you do that again? Why’d you watch that particular video? You need to stop this. It’s juvenile and weak.

This inner shaming causes my body to fill with stress hormones, like adrenaline and cortisol. Stress hormones are useful when there’s something to stress about. Like preparing for a public talk or running from danger. But otherwise, they tense up our body and mess with our sleep, digestion, and other functions of good health.

This additional stress makes us feel worse, which makes us want to do something to feel better. So we turn to whatever originally filled our bodies with dopamine, oxytocin, and other good-feeling or numbing hormones. We masturbate, veg out on YouTube, drink, do drugs, or overeat. Then we beat up ourselves inside for doing it again. This cycle keeps repeating itself, even if we want to stop or at least do less of whatever it is we’re “addicted” to.

I don’t want to get too in the weeds about the body and stress hormones—I’m just starting to learn about this stuff! But it helped me feel even less shame about masturbation when I learned about something called “auto-regulation.”

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You might’ve heard of the “therapy-speak” word regulate.

Regulation means the ability to calm down our nervous system, the network of nerves controlling the heart, digestive system, and other organs. Calming down means getting back to a state of safety and ease. When we can’t calm down—when we’re stressed, anxious, scared, angry, or sad—our nervous system is dysregulated.

Auto-regulation is something we do by ourselves to temporarily regulate our nervous system. Masturbation. Drinking or doing drugs. Eating something sugary. Vegging out on YouTube. Even working out. Therapist Luis Mojica says auto-regulation is finding “connection and safety through isolating habits.”

We do these things because they relieve stress and numb painful feelings. They calm our minds and bodies. They might be temporary escapes, but they work. Life coach Leo Widrich writes:

“Auto-regulatory behavior is well-intentioned. Whether it is taking drugs or going for a walk in nature. We do all and any of these behaviors solely to help us feel more at ease and less stressed.”

There are other ways to regulate emotions: co-regulation and self-regulation. Co-regulation is connecting with others. Think calling someone to catch up, cuddling, or hanging at the bar with friends.

Self-regulation is connecting to and being with the sensations and emotions inside of us, not distracting from or soothing them. Think going to therapy or some forms of meditation. Self-regulation heals the underlying wounds that cause us to feel overwhelming stress, anxiety, or depression. Meaning it can help us change our patterns and behaviors, not just cope with them.

I’d love to be self-regulating and connecting with myself 100 percent of the time, like some Buddhist monk. But it’s not possible. We all need auto-regulation at times. We all need relief, especially in a society that makes building community hard and forces us to work long hours to survive.

In my experience, men particularly struggle with co-regulation and self-regulation.

We’ve been fed lies about “traditional masculinity” that say we don’t have emotional needs and shouldn’t rely on others. Many of us grew up experiencing emotional neglect camouflaged as parents and other adults assuming we can handle things on our own, because “boys will be boys.”

My parents were often busy working and doing housework when I was growing up. I had to figure out ways to soothe my feelings on my own. I turned to video games in my room or shooting hoops in the driveway, sometimes with a friend but often alone. Eventually, in my teens, I found masturbation. The internet was new and slow, but I could find photos of naked women with a few clicks.

So it makes sense that when I’m feeling stressed, tired, and lonely, I still turn to what used to work for me. There might be healthier and longer lasting ways to cope, but there’s no shame in doing what works in the moment.

Note: For more on porn… I’ve written about the problem with mainstream porn and how it conditions men to have worse sex.

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Now, a question for the comments below: How do you feel about porn and masturbation?

(P.S. If you become a paid subscriber for $5/month, you’ll get my weekly Friday Q&A posts about improving your relationship and friendships, plus the warm feeling of supporting my writing.)