I recently had an interesting revelation, which is that the world is a better place and I am a better man when I allow myself at least some retreat to the man-cave. I talked to my therapist about it this week — I just need to let myself play Minecraft for an hour or so in the evening. Doing so allows me to be more present to others in the rest of my life.
The cave isn’t all-consuming for me. I read an enormous amount, spend hours upon hours each week with friends, and I co-regulate with my partner and friends. And yet, despite all that, I still find that I need the cave — a place where I can let my mind ease open, where I don’t need to talk to anyone, where I can fight zombies and build castles to my heart’s content.
As with everything, attention and skillful use transform the Man Cave into a sacred space. I think it’s possible for guys to have both — emotional vulnerability and the Man Cave.
As a woman, I need that kind of quiet separate time too. Maybe it’s less about M/F differences, but extro/introvert differences. I think men (boys) are traditionally socialized to be extroverted, part of a pack/team/etc… which means if you’re someone who isn’t naturally extroverted, you’re operating against your natural inclinations.
I hope that your partner/friends give you that space you need without making you feel bad about needing it.
Yep, I see this in my male clients, but also my personal environment. Men were treated as little islands and so behave like it, women are on the mainland and stay connected. Great article!
Perhaps we men can try to cultivate hobbies/escapes that we can *share* with women, so that the time we use to unwind and de-stress can also be something to bond with family over instead of being an escape?
For instance two of my best friends love gaming, and bond with their daughter over it. While he enjoys FPS games that she doesn't, they instead bond over child friendly games like Mario Kart or Legend of Zelda
Or we men can dip our toes into hobbies that we don't traditionally see as masculine. For instance, Derek Guy, "the menswear guy", has shared his knowledge not just of menswear, but of tailoring. And I'm sure many women would love for their partners to have better fashion sense
Or there's Kenji Lopez-Alt or Binging With Babish who help folks learn how to cook better. I know a lot of men my age who don't want to cook, but I've found that I enjoy it and feel empowered by it. I know many women would love for their partners to take on cooking, so either they don't need to cook as much or spend more money on fast/frozen food
It's not necessarily a matter of wiring. When men share their emotions, they're more likely to be invalidated or attacked.
If women actually do want men to share their emotional inner life with them, they have to provide space in the relationship to do so, instead of taking up all the emotional space in the relationship with their own issues.
Your article is full of generalizations, in that you take assessments you make of your client base and assume it applies to all men.
Moreover, when we're talking about social expectations of men to be emotionless (except for anger), and to not have emotional needs or be vulnerable, you have to talk about how the people in their life, including their partner, enforce these social expectations on them. Putting all the blame on men doesn't help anything, unless your goal is to score good boi points with feminists by throwing all other men collectively under the bus.
I’m not blaming men for this tendency. I’m blaming those at the top of the economy who benefit the most in patriarchal capitalism. Women perpetuate the tendency in their relationships with men only in that they’ve internalized patriarchal capitalist thinking.
No. The idea that it is "patriarchy" doesn't model reality well at all. The problem is that if it is a patriarchy the solution is for men to be less entitled; the solution is actually the opposite, in that women need to be less entitled in taking up all the emotional space in a relationship.
In parts of ancient Greece the prevailing view was that women didn't feel true emotions like men did, they experienced and expressed false, fleeting facsimiles of emotions, pale imitations of male emotionality. Nobody fair would deny that that's a dehumanizing way to look at women that overvalues the male experience relative to them. Somehow, when it's the reverse, with men's emotions being seen as invalid, false, or self-indulgent, it's not treated as dehumanizing. People aren't being even-handed enough.
I recently had an interesting revelation, which is that the world is a better place and I am a better man when I allow myself at least some retreat to the man-cave. I talked to my therapist about it this week — I just need to let myself play Minecraft for an hour or so in the evening. Doing so allows me to be more present to others in the rest of my life.
The cave isn’t all-consuming for me. I read an enormous amount, spend hours upon hours each week with friends, and I co-regulate with my partner and friends. And yet, despite all that, I still find that I need the cave — a place where I can let my mind ease open, where I don’t need to talk to anyone, where I can fight zombies and build castles to my heart’s content.
As with everything, attention and skillful use transform the Man Cave into a sacred space. I think it’s possible for guys to have both — emotional vulnerability and the Man Cave.
Love thinking about the man cave as a sacred space! Thanks for that framing.
As a woman, I need that kind of quiet separate time too. Maybe it’s less about M/F differences, but extro/introvert differences. I think men (boys) are traditionally socialized to be extroverted, part of a pack/team/etc… which means if you’re someone who isn’t naturally extroverted, you’re operating against your natural inclinations.
I hope that your partner/friends give you that space you need without making you feel bad about needing it.
😊
P.S. Minecraft!! 👍👍
Yep, I see this in my male clients, but also my personal environment. Men were treated as little islands and so behave like it, women are on the mainland and stay connected. Great article!
Thanks!!!
Perhaps we men can try to cultivate hobbies/escapes that we can *share* with women, so that the time we use to unwind and de-stress can also be something to bond with family over instead of being an escape?
For instance two of my best friends love gaming, and bond with their daughter over it. While he enjoys FPS games that she doesn't, they instead bond over child friendly games like Mario Kart or Legend of Zelda
Or we men can dip our toes into hobbies that we don't traditionally see as masculine. For instance, Derek Guy, "the menswear guy", has shared his knowledge not just of menswear, but of tailoring. And I'm sure many women would love for their partners to have better fashion sense
Or there's Kenji Lopez-Alt or Binging With Babish who help folks learn how to cook better. I know a lot of men my age who don't want to cook, but I've found that I enjoy it and feel empowered by it. I know many women would love for their partners to take on cooking, so either they don't need to cook as much or spend more money on fast/frozen food
Yes, Jeremy! Embodiment is so important, and we don't have any idea how to do it in this culture...
I really appreciate the work you’re doing here.
Thanks!
It's not necessarily a matter of wiring. When men share their emotions, they're more likely to be invalidated or attacked.
If women actually do want men to share their emotional inner life with them, they have to provide space in the relationship to do so, instead of taking up all the emotional space in the relationship with their own issues.
Sounds like you’re generalizing from an experience you had with one or a small handful of women.
Your article is full of generalizations, in that you take assessments you make of your client base and assume it applies to all men.
Moreover, when we're talking about social expectations of men to be emotionless (except for anger), and to not have emotional needs or be vulnerable, you have to talk about how the people in their life, including their partner, enforce these social expectations on them. Putting all the blame on men doesn't help anything, unless your goal is to score good boi points with feminists by throwing all other men collectively under the bus.
I’m not blaming men for this tendency. I’m blaming those at the top of the economy who benefit the most in patriarchal capitalism. Women perpetuate the tendency in their relationships with men only in that they’ve internalized patriarchal capitalist thinking.
No. The idea that it is "patriarchy" doesn't model reality well at all. The problem is that if it is a patriarchy the solution is for men to be less entitled; the solution is actually the opposite, in that women need to be less entitled in taking up all the emotional space in a relationship.
In parts of ancient Greece the prevailing view was that women didn't feel true emotions like men did, they experienced and expressed false, fleeting facsimiles of emotions, pale imitations of male emotionality. Nobody fair would deny that that's a dehumanizing way to look at women that overvalues the male experience relative to them. Somehow, when it's the reverse, with men's emotions being seen as invalid, false, or self-indulgent, it's not treated as dehumanizing. People aren't being even-handed enough.
What’s keeping you from playing while you are with your kids?