Optimize your relationships, not yourself
Why friendships matter more than what you eat for breakfast.
I’m a pretty badass guy. I wake up at 6:30am most mornings, even if I’m tired. I meditate and then do a minute-long forearm plank reciting daily affirmations and mantras. I eat a breakfast of yogurt, nuts, seeds, berries, and protein powder to load up on protein and fiber. I take vitamin D, omega-3 fish oil, and creatine. I put my phone in a drawer and write for two hours before seeing therapy clients. I take a break in the afternoon to work out and meditate again.
I’ve listened to hundreds of episodes of podcasts with Tim Ferriss, Tripp Lanier, and a bunch of other life coaches. I’ve optimized my time, my productivity, my diet, my health, my life.
But that ain’t it. Sure, I’ve got a little pride about doing all that stuff day in and day out for years. But has optimizing myself made me happy? That’s a hard “no.”
What’s made me actually happy is optimizing my relationships.
Caring less about figuring out whether black or white chia seeds are healthier and more about setting up hangs with friends, learning how to navigate uncomfortable conversations, getting to know my neighbors, doing whatever else it takes to fight against the isolation and loneliness that’s becoming more and more common in capitalist society.
I still meditate and work out and all that. That advice about “putting your own oxygen mask on first so you can take care of others” annoys me because every therapist says it these days, but it’s true. Taking care of my body and nervous system helps me be present and emotionally available for other people.
Yet for the longest time I thought that’s all I needed to do. I thought (or just didn’t know otherwise) that if I worked hard enough, spent time efficiently, ate the right things, and took care of my body, everything else would take care of itself. When I wasn’t happy—which was often—I figured I needed to meditate longer or lose stomach fat or make more money or wakeup even earlier.
Here’s what nobody tells men about what actually makes us happy:
In capitalist society—especially in the U.S.—men are told we should focus solely on work and family, i.e., a wife and kids. We’re told that “providing and protecting” is our “traditional,” natural, biological responsibility. We’re told to work hard, have discipline, make good money, and guard the home. We’re told we should only be emotionally close with one person, a woman who we’re in a monogamous relationship with. We’re told that being vulnerable with anyone else, especially another man, means we’re gay, which is a bad thing.
We’ve been lied to. The rigid gender role being shoved down our throats isn’t “traditional” or biological or natural.
It was invented only a few hundred years ago to force working class men to fit into the new pecking order that capitalism needed to function.
It was made up to keep us focused on being productive workers and not on being full human beings.
It was manufactured to differentiate us from women, who were forced to do unpaid work taking care of the home and the family’s emotional needs.
It was created to benefit rich and powerful men, the emerging class of capitalists who were exploiting workers for profit—the Donald Trumps and Elon Musks and Jeff Bezos’s of the day. No wonder Trump, Musk, and all the “manosphere” entrepreneurs exploiting lost, lonely, unhappy men are trying so hard to push so-called “traditional” ideas about masculinity.
Just one of the many examples of how men were before capitalism: Before their communities were colonized, indigenous men in New Zealand spent considerable time caring for children. “It is more usual to see the father carrying his infant than the mother,” wrote a British painter traveling in New Zealand in 1832, “and all the little offices of a nurse are performed by him with the tenderest care and good humor.”
Point being: We have it in us to be caring, relational, and emotionally connected. We’ve been lied to that we can’t or that it’s “gay” if we do. We’ve been lied to so that rich and powerful men can keep screwing us over.
Here are a few ways I’m fighting against these lies and building stronger relationships:
1. I put it on the schedule
I’m just as busy as the next guy. So, I put hanging with my friends on the calendar. I just reached out to a friend to set up a dinner next week. Who cares how far in advance you book it? I’ve booked jam sessions three weeks into the future.
I also schedule a regular bi-weekly night when my partner and I invite a few friends over for dinner. It’s every other Wednesday, 6:30-8:30pm. We cook a simple dinner and don’t pressure ourselves to be the best hosts ever. Tonight, we invited one of her friends and a few neighbors we’re getting to know. It’s a scheduled, structured way for me to get to know people more and make new friends.
2. I follow up after hanging out
This one I picked up from my partner and other women in my life. After hanging out with a friend, the last thing on my mind is reaching out again. Some part of me worries they’ll think I’m too needy.
But I’ve started texting friends later that night or the next day to let them know that I had a great time and appreciate them. It’s a small gesture, but it feels really good to do and even better to receive.
3. I track important occasions in my friends’ lives
I’m working on this one, because I forget so easily. As author
writes, “I make a note in my calendar if [a friend is] having a thing happening—doctor’s appointment, trip, work talk they are dreading, a date—and message them to see how it went.”I recently saw this clip of the therapist Esther Perel explaining why this is so important:
“We need to know that when we’re not there, others still think of us. So we have an experience of object constancy—that, ‘I live inside of you, and you live inside of me.’ That whole intersubjective piece is essential to relationships.”
What do you think? How do you do friendship? If you struggle with friendships, why is it hard for you? Comment below or email me: jeremy@mohler.coach.
— Jeremy
Maintaining our relationships just introduces more genuine paths to feel love, acceptance and camaraderie. It's a skill we must practice. And as our social groups grow, our pathways to joy grow exponentially. It becomes easy to see why maintaining a large social group is often so enriching.
I can hangout with Jose that that feels fun. There's 1 connection there that leads to good feels.
But introduce Michelle and I now have 3 connections that leads to good feels. I can laugh at the jokes I make with Jose, the jokes that I make with Susan and the jokes they make between each other.
One more friend and that's now 6 separate human connections between people that I can experience in some way.
Loveeee this post. Thank you for sharing!