Men are afraid to be emotional because in capitalism women's work is devalued

Being tough and vulnerable aren’t mutually exclusive. In fact, they’re one in the same.

Here’s another Friday Q&A post! These are an experiment in giving give paid subscribers something a little extra. If you’re a paid subscriber, you’ll get one each week.

Anyone can ask me questions about relationships, masculinity, therapy, anything... Reply to this email and I’ll send you my thoughts directly. I might feature your question (anonymously) in a future post, like this one!

This week’s question from a subscriber is...

As a GenX man who had a pretty typical upbringing of the era (boys don’t cry, don’t be a quitter, etc.), I want to open myself to being more conscious of my emotions while not losing the good qualities (enjoys a challenge, loyal but with a healthy disdain for authority, tough while empathetic) that I feel were a direct result of my upbringing. Interested to hear your thoughts.

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I totally relate to your dilemma. Reading your question brought me back to after a soccer game when I was around 8 or 9 years old. My dad took me to Wendy’s to get a cheeseburger. I was exhausted and my knee hurt.

My dad got upset with me for complaining. He said, “Troy Aikman doesn’t cry about getting hurt. You’ve got to be tough.”

I was confused. I was a huge fan of the Dallas Cowboys, who were winning multiple Super Bowls at the time. Aikman was one of my favorite players. I’d watched him play through injuries. But I was in pain. And I was scared that my knee might get hurt more if I played another game.

As you said, this was pretty typical for the era. I’m a millennial, but my dad was raised in 1960s West Virginia by working class parents. He couldn’t help but take in so-called “traditional” ideas about what it means to be a man.

I also realize now that he was probably frustrated and impatient that day. He worked long hours back then as a FedEx delivery driver. He was spending hours on a rare day off from work supporting my love for soccer. I’d be annoyed with my son for complaining too.

But what this experience (and many others early on) created in me was a fear of being too emotional, too open, too vulnerable. That I still have this fear as a man is completely understandable. I got the message over and over again that expressing “softer” emotions like hurt, worry, or sadness would be met with disapproval and maybe even violence. Of course I ended up being afraid to show them.

These experiences also formed the false dilemma at the heart of your question. Being tough and vulnerable aren’t mutually exclusive. In fact, they’re one in the same.