I'm a male therapist who helps men, and even I get annoyed when men talk AT me

Why us men tend to suck at "attunement."

One of weirdest parts of being a therapist who helps men is how often I find myself getting annoyed with men in my life.

You’d think I could cut my big dogs some slack. I sit with men every day who’ve been abused or whose hearts are breaking because their relationships are falling apart or who can’t stop yelling at home even if they know how scared their kids get. I witness the vulnerability they’re horrified to share with others. I know why we tend to struggle to have deep, meaningful relationships and friendships. But men still let me down so often.

What annoys me is men talking at me. Women do it too sometimes. But mostly when it happens it’s a man telling me the structural integrity of some random construction material or a workout I should try or a movie I should watch or how AI is actually awesome and not bad for the world (my stance is, like almost all technologies except nuclear bombs and other outright evil innovations, it’s only bad because capitalists, not workers, control it).

I get frustrated, but my face smiles and nods. Very few of the words they say get into my ears. My main goal becomes to get out of the conversation. I can’t wait to step away and have a moment to myself, or find someone, most often a woman, who likely can carry on a better, more connecting, more fun conversation.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m down to hear about the merits of using Hardie Plank fiber cement siding on my house. Or how strong triceps are the hack to bigger-looking arms. Or how AI actually works.

As much as I often fall for the capitalist propaganda that I don’t need anyone else for anything, especially as a man, I like getting help and advice. I like learning new things. But only if I’m feeling connected with the person first.

Otherwise, it feels like they’re talking at me like I’m an object. Like I could be anyone. Like it’s not about me at all. Then I get frustrated because I both feel lonely and like I must put on an act. I must smile and nod to give them what I think they want: appreciation that they’re helping me out or praise for being so knowledgeable.

I used to be confused in such one-sided conversations. I thought there was something weird or wrong with me for not being able to get along. But now I know it’s an issue that men tend to struggle with, including myself sometimes.

We struggle with a communication skill called attunement. Really tuning into how someone else is feeling. Listening closely. Being curious. Not trying to make them feel better by giving advice or trying to fix their problem. Trying to relate. Being with them in their experience. Even feeling a little of what they’re feeling ourselves. Being able to tell—feel—if they aren’t really taking in what we’re saying. Literally feeling with our body and nervous system how their body and nervous system are feeling—tense, calm, nervous, sad, afraid, high-energy, low-energy, or whatever.

I only know about attunement because I’m a therapist, and that’s what I do with my clients. I try not to give advice. I listen. I try to stay curious. I try to tune back in if I get distracted. Which is a lot to expect of anyone if they haven’t been trained and aren’t getting paid to do it.

But it’s so worth learning, especially as a man. It’s what made the feelings of loneliness and meaninglessness I’ve felt as far back as I can remember go away more than all the things I tried before. More than drinking or smoking weed. More than success in my career and trying to be more productive. More than meditation. All those things are fine and at times helpful, but they don’t touch the satisfaction I get from deep relationship with others who really see and get me.

What really pisses me off is that us men are being lied to that we’re not supposed to be good at attunement. In capitalism, parenting and other forms of care work are hyper-exploited, taken for granted, stolen for no pay. Women are trained from birth to specialize in this work, to overly focus on other people’s needs, to be really good at attuning. They’re told that it’s their “natural,” “traditional” role. That they’re meant to freely offer it others—their husband, their kids, everyone—out of love.

The rich wouldn’t be able to keep getting richer and richer if this emotional labor wasn’t taken for granted. They want women to keep thinking it’s their “natural,” “traditional” role to give it away for free. That way workers keep showing up to work and new workers keep getting born, and the capitalists don’t have to pay for it.

Men are told to look down on this sort of relational work and the necessary human skills needed to be good at it, like attunement. Again, contrary to that pesky capitalist propaganda, we need each other to survive.

Humans have survived as species for hundreds of thousands years through cooperation, not competition. Yet, men especially have been lied to in this society that the human traits that help us connect and collaborate with others are “feminine.” Meaning, we shouldn’t be that way. And if we are, we’re like a woman, or gay. Meaning, we don’t belong.

I know I said I get annoyed, but if you’re not good at attunement, it’s not your fault. We were never taught how connect with others in an attuned way, and we’re being told a lie that we shouldn’t be good at it or want to do it. Like any skill—like going to the gym—we just need to practice.

Here’s a good start from my friend and surrogate partner therapist Risdon Roberts on practicing it in your existing relationships. Join a therapy group or at least a men’s group. You can’t get through this life let alone have the one you want alone, man.

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments (or email me: jeremy@mohler.coach)—how do you feel about your communication skills? Is there something you want to be better at?

— Jeremy