How to tell if your partner is emotionally avoidant

And what to do about it.

Here’s another “Advice from a therapist” post! If you’re a paid subscriber ($5/month), you’ll get one most weeks (when I’m not too burned out from seeing therapy clients).

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This week’s question from a subscriber is...

“I *think* my husband is an avoidant... we struggle with communication because of our different styles and needs.”

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My first reaction is curiosity about how you’re feeling about your partner’s behavior, regardless of whether it fits the bill of being an “avoidant” or not. We’ll get to you in a minute, but I will say that if you’re picking up on their avoidance, it’s probably actually happening. You’re likely on to something. Here are the hallmarks:

Folks who tend toward avoidance often think emotionally vulnerable conversations are a “waste of time” or “unproductive.” When you mention feelings, even if it doesn’t have to do with them, they often try to fix the problem for you, talk you out of how you feel, or get frustrated and try to leave the situation (by actually physically leaving or looking at their phone).

Folks who tend toward avoidance often are able to compartmentalize their emotions and seem “cool, calm, and collected” almost all if not all of the time. When you ask how they’re doing, they say things like “I’m fine” and “It’s all good.” Even if you sense that something is up because of the expression on their face or the energy in their body.

Folks who tend toward avoidance often need a good amount of alone time to decompress. Everyone needs time to be with themselves without distraction to process experiences and emotions. But those of us who tend toward avoidance often use that time to veg out, tune out, and dissociate through television, video games, drinking alone, or some other way to numb ourselves from feelings—to further avoid them.

Folks who tend toward avoidance often feel overwhelmed by physical intimacy. They often pull away from even what feels small and safe to others, like a peck on the lips or handholding. They may also struggle at times with eye contact or sitting close to their partner.

You may have noticed I wrote, “tend toward avoidance,” and not folks who “are avoidant” or, even, have an “avoidant attachment style.” More and more I’m learning that avoidance is part of the human experience that all of us have to different degrees.

We all have the ability to feel avoidant, depending on the relationship. There’s probably someone in your life who triggers avoidance in you, maybe a parent or someone you feel like you just can’t trust. I’m most often the avoidant one in my relationship, but when my partner pulls away and gets avoidant herself every so often, a part of me freaks out inside and gets anxious that’s she’s going to leave me.

And if avoidance is just a part of us rather than a set-in-stone identity or diagnosis, that also means it can change. We can heal from whatever relationship dynamics caused it in the first place.

The other day, I got a glimpse of where my avoidance comes from. I called my mom, and she asked, “How’s it going?” I answered the question honestly, which is something I’ve been feeling more and more comfortable with as I’ve been healing from my avoidance. I told her I was still recovering emotionally from a therapist conference I’d attended a few weekends ago. I started talking about how sad I’ve been about missing friends who’d been there, but she quickly changed the subject to something practical, planning our next family gathering.