How to make more friends as a man

This society doesn’t want us hanging out with friends and building community.

Here’s another Q&A post! If you’re a paid subscriber ($5/month), you’ll get one most weeks (when I’m not too busy with therapy clients).

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This week’s question from a subscriber is...

“I’ve been feeling more and more lonely and like it’s harder to make friends now that I’m in my 30s. I’ve joined a local soccer league but everyone’s busy. We sort just play and go home. What are some other ways to make friends?”

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First off, you’re not alone. The male loneliness epidemic might not really be a thing—because it turns out that while 16 percent of men say they’re lonely all or most of the time, so do 15 percent of women. But many men process our loneliness differently than women, leaving us more reliant on a romantic partner for emotional support and more often turning to solo activities like masturbating and video games to numb the pain.

If you’re like me, you just never learned how to make and keep friends after the built-in structure of school and sports teams growing up. Many women did—generally speaking, they tend to provide and receive more support from multiple social connections, including family and friends.

And that’s the trick. I’ve only started to shed the loneliness that’s been hanging around me since I can remember by being intentional about getting emotional support in different ways.

Part of me thinks, I’m all good, I have a partner. But then a Friday night comes when she’s out of town or out with friends, and there’s that loneliness again.

Here’s how I’ve made more friends and kicked the loneliness (on top of going to therapy, of course 😉):

1. Go to events and activities you’re passionate about. Soccer is a great place to make friends if you love playing soccer. If you’re doing just to make friends, then it’ll probably let you down. I recently made a new friend at a honky tonk night at a local brewery. I don’t drink, but I love country music (real country music, not the pop stuff you hear on the radio with bad politics). I’ve made friends at political rallies, therapist social gatherings, anywhere with people who are into the same things I’m into and therefore likely have similar values.