How to know if you’re being 'avoidant' in your relationship

And what to do about it, if you are.

Here’s another “Advice from a therapist” post! If you’re a paid subscriber ($5/month), you’ll get one most weeks (when I’m not too burned out from being a therapist).

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This week’s question from a subscriber is...

“My partner says I’m ‘avoidant,’ and I might go to therapy for it. But I feel like I’ve been trying to listen and really get what she’s saying when she’s upset, and it’s not working. What more can I do?”

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Your partner has probably been reading or watching TikTok videos about “attachment styles,” pulling from psychological theories first developed in the mid-1900s that have now become pop psychology. The problem with something becoming pop psychology—like “gaslighting” and “mindfulness”—is that, while it’s awesome that the information is spreading, it gets watered down and crudely misapplied.

I’m not saying your partner is wrong. Even if they’re right, the idea that you’re “avoidant” is a misuse of attachment theory—at least in the way that I think about it. You might have an “avoidant attachment style,” or pattern of how you tend to relate to people. I definitely do. But YOU, in yourself, at your core, for the rest of your life, in every situation and relationship, are not “avoidant.” No one is.

I’ve heard Esther Perel, the well-known couples therapist, say that we often switch our attachment style depending on the person we’re in relationship with. I’ve seen it happen in myself—even day to day with my partner. Our typical pattern is me being a little more “avoidant” and her being a little more “anxious,” trying to get my attention. But sometimes she seems preoccupied or wants time by herself, and a part of me freaks out inside: What happened? Does she even love me anymore? I need to do something, anything to get her to want me again.

That’s how I think about attachment. All of us have avoidant and anxious parts of us that get activated based on all kinds of factors, especially our partner’s mood.

I’m saying all of this because I don’t want you to feel ashamed of the way you tend to relate. There’s a reason you do it that way. Therapy can help you figure out that. It likely goes back to the relationships you had with your caregivers when you were a kid. These sorts of questions are worth asking…