How to be more present in your relationship
One thing I hear over and over again from men who come to me for therapy is their partner wants them to be “more present.” Here's what works for me.
One thing I hear over and over again from men who come to me for therapy is their partner wants them to be “more present.” Put down the phone, listen better, talk more, be more emotionally available.
I want to share what’s worked for me in my long-term, monogamous relationship.
Just so you know, I suck at being present. My default mode is being in my head. Every morning—every morning—I wake up thinking about my to-do list. An inner drill sergeant barks: Go, go, go. Get to work. Do, do, do. Be productive. I don’t want anyone touching or talking to me. I don’t notice what my body feels like, unless I’m tired or hungover. But only because the drill sergeant worries it will hold me back from getting work done.
It’s not just mornings. I drop and knock things over all the time. I scroll Instagram during work meetings. I look at my phone while driving. (I just picked up my phone while writing this, lol.) I have a hard time focusing on what others are saying. I’m in my head worrying about what to say (or what I just said). Especially in groups—I can’t track all the back and forth, so I sit back and judge myself and others.
What I’m trying to say is that I’m just like you. Sure, I’m a therapist and meditation teacher. I write about stuff like mindfulness, burnout, and relationships. It might seem like I’ve got it all figured out. But trying to stay present is exhausting. Before I share my advice, I just want to make sure you feel normal.
The way society operates these days makes it almost impossible to not be distracted. We work long hours (some studies say longer than medieval peasants did). We have to take care of our families and do all the other unpaid work that once was handled together as a community (this is especially true for women). Then there’s a multibillion-dollar social media industry trying to capture our attention in increasingly seductive ways. No wonder all of us are burned out and just want to veg watching Netflix and TikTok. You are not alone.
Okay, so here’s the advice.
Relax your nervous system every day
The first thing I rely on to be a little more present is meditation. I went on my first meditation retreat in 2014 and haven’t looked back. (I wrote about that experience in my free ebook, here.) Every morning, I sit in a chair in my basement for 30 minutes. I set a timer on my phone and close my eyes. I get caught up in what that inner drill sergeant is saying. I worry about one of my therapy clients. I criticize myself for not being more present for my partner (ha!). I beat myself up about my belly fat and plan some elaborate diet for the next month. But then, ahhhh... Something shifts. Something releases inside of my body. I hear the cars whooshing by outside the window. I feel my back in the chair and feet on the floor. I notice the tension in my shoulders and neck softening. Thinking is boring compared to what I’m feeling, hearing, smelling, tasting. I’m here, now. Here! Now! Then my mind goes back to worrying about my to-do list for a few minutes. Then, ahhhh... My body relaxes inside again. I go back and forth from thinking to being present until the timer goes off.
What’s happening is that the meditation is relaxing a part of my nervous system called the “vagus nerve.” The vagus nerve runs from the brain to organs like the heart and gut. It has a big influence on our mental health, affecting our breathing and heart rate. When our vagus nerve is tense, our body shifts into what’s known as “fight or flight” mode. We feel frustrated or worried. We lose access to our brain’s ability to focus. If we’re really stressed, the nerve tells our body to shut down, numb out, feel hopeless, get depressed—leaving only the most basic functions like breathing and digestion. The more relaxed our vagus nerve, the more flexible and relaxed our body is. We’re curious, calm, compassionate, open, grounded, playful. We feel safe to be vulnerable and authentic with others. We’re more present. (Why isn’t this being taught to every elementary school student?!? Everything started making sense after I learned about the vagus nerve.)
There are other ways to relax your vagus nerve. You can have a good time with friends, exercise, or take a cold shower, to name a few. But meditation is the easiest to fit into my daily schedule. I can do it anytime and almost anywhere (as long there’s privacy). I do it every morning, even while traveling, and every afternoon, just as I’m losing steam. My point is to find a way to calm your nervous system every day—and not just napping or watching Netflix. Relax your vagus nerve, and your mind will follow. You can’t think your way into being more present.
Set boundaries with your partner
The second thing I use to be more present is setting boundaries. There are constant demands on our attention these days. Work, relationships, (maybe) kids, 24/7 news, social media, and so much more. If I don’t set aside time for what really matters to me—and defend that time—then I’m lost in a black hole of distraction.
Creative writing (like I’m doing right now) is the biggest booster of my mood (other than meditation). When I get an hour or two to write in the morning, the rest of my day usually feels like smooth sailing. I’ve completed my most important job, and the rest is icing on the cake. So, I draw a boundary around an hour or two in the morning to write. I’ve let my partner know that it’s really important to me, and that she should give me space (unless it’s an emergency). I wake up, stretch, meditate, and write—before watching TV or going on social media. Then I put it away and join my partner for a walk. Because I’ve been able to work on my most important work—and I’ve relaxed my nervous system—I’m able to be a little more present.
Not everyone can write an hour or two every day. I’m lucky to have a flexible work schedule and control over the work I do. My point is trying your best to set boundaries can help you show up more fully in your relationship. Another example is drawing lines around romantic time with your partner. Living with someone can suffocate sexual desire. You’re lovers but also best friends, roommates, financial partners, and (maybe) coparents. Sex doesn’t have to be scheduled ahead of time (though, if you’re both into that, go for it). But I’ve had to learn how to be intentional. It doesn’t just happen. Carving out an hour or two on a Saturday afternoon (or whenever) to cuddle and see what happens can create the space needed for a spark to turn into a raging fire.
Heal the trauma that causes you to be distracted
The other thing that’s helped me be more present is therapy. Yeah, I’m a therapist. I’m biased. But I’m convinced that healing trauma is the only way to fundamentally change our lives. We’re not present because we’re traumatized. (And because we live in a capitalist society that’s broken our connection to ourselves, others, and nature. My friend Eleanor Hancock does a great job explaining how in this podcast episode). To be more present more often, we need to transform our society and reconnect—but we all need to try our best to heal the wounds that happened to us as a kid. There’s a reason your mind is elsewhere, focused on work, daydreaming, or whatever. A part of you is convinced that it’s not safe to just be here, right now, in the moment, relaxed, open, present.
For me, that part is the drill sergeant. Go, go, go. Get to work. Do, do, do. I’ve had to heal the trauma that causes the drill sergeant to always be thinking about work. Healing happens when we re-experience what happened to us as a kid, but this time with a compassionate witness. I learned in therapy that I got the message as a kid that if I didn’t work hard, I’d fall behind in life. And if I fell behind, I’d be a broke loser with no worth to anybody. In my little kid brain, falling behind was terrifying. One particular moment (which I also wrote about in my ebook), was when my first-grade teacher wanted to hold me back a year. My mom disagreed and told me I could handle it. This scared the hell out of me. But I had no perspective because I was only six years old. And my mom, who was busy with work and just wanted the best for me, wasn’t able to help me understand my feelings about it. I probably didn’t even tell her I was scared. Telling all of this to my therapist, who reacted with compassion, helped me see how the drill sergeant is just a scared little boy. He needs love and support. And he’s not always right that I need to hustle so hard. I can relax more often and be more present now that he’s not so loud in my head.
Trauma isn’t always a car crash or an instance of violence. “You can have childhoods were no overt trauma, occurs,” says the physician and addiction expert Gabor Maté. “But when parents are just too distracted, too stressed to provide the necessary responsiveness, that can also traumatize the child.”
Heal your trauma, set boundaries in your relationship, and regularly relax your nervous system, and your mind will follow you into the present moment.