How I'm kicking my sugar habit without shaming myself

A therapy session seems to have shifted things in my body image journey.

Here’s another Friday Q&A post! These are an experiment in giving give paid subscribers something a little extra. If you’re a paid subscriber, you’ll get one each week.

Anyone can ask me questions about relationships, masculinity, therapy, anything... Reply to this email and I’ll send you my thoughts directly.

I might feature your question (anonymously) in a future post, like this one!

This week’s question from a subscriber is...

I’ve tried diets, intermittent fasting, working out more, not caring about my “dad bod.” Nothing seems to work. How do I feel better about my body?

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I love this question because it’s something I’m working through right now and just made a little progress on. It’s also something a bunch of my clients struggle with.

I don’t have a step-by-step solution for you. But I’ll share a recent experience that feels like it’s shifted things in my body image journey.

It happened in therapy last week. My therapist was using the type of therapy I specialize in—Internal Family Systems (IFS). He asked me to find the part of me that gets overpowering urges to eat ice cream or cake or candy. I remembered a recent time I was driving and felt tired and stressed. I’d seen a McDonalds and felt an impulse to stop and get a McFlurry, even though I wasn’t hungry.

I hadn’t stopped that day. But the memory helped me find the part of me that tries to get me to snack and overeat. I felt a welling up of emotion in the back of my chest. It was like a swirling ball of energy. In my imagination, it looked like crystal, shiny and iridescent.

He then asked me to find the part of me that hates how my body looks. I closed my eyes and thought about when I look in the mirror and feel disgusted about my gut hanging out. I felt tension in my shoulders. A rising upward. Then I saw an image in my mind: Brad Pitt in the movie Fight Club.

That’s the cycle. I get urges to eat sugar seemingly out of nowhere. It’s usually on workday afternoons or right before bed when tired. Or days when I’m particularly stressed. I often can’t stop it. If I see a doughnut or candy on the kitchen counter, it’s game over. I’m eating it.

Then, within seconds I feel shitty about it. And about myself. This inner little Brad Pitt shames me: “You’re weak. You’re not allowed to have sugar now for a week.” I keep the urge under control for a few days, but then boom, it comes back as strong as ever.