How I stopped being just a 'nice guy'

My little inner 5-year-old used to be so afraid of rejection.

Here’s another “Advice from a therapist” post for paid subscribers! If you upgrade ($5/month), you’ll get a bonus post like this most weeks (when I’m not too burned out from seeing clients).

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This week’s question from a subscriber is...

I'm mainly interested in how to stop being a "nice guy” and people-pleaser, as this keeps ruining my friendships and prevents me from building more genuine ones.

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Perfect timing. I just wrote about being a “nice guy” myself and want to follow that up with some specific things you can do about it.

As I wrote, I have a tendency to assume that if I take care of my partner’s (or anyone else’s) needs, then they’ll automatically take care of mine without me having to ask. With my therapist’s help, I’ve learned that this tendency shows up as fear. Part of me is afraid to ask for alone time on the weekends or a hug when I’m feeling down or something sexual that I enjoy.

You can’t ask for that, my mind tells me. Instead, ask her how her day was, really listen, show that you care, and maybe she’ll figure out what you really need right now is a loving, tender massage because you’ve had a rough day.

I’ve figured out that it has to do with rejection and loneliness. This little inner 5-year-old “nice guy” part of me is afraid that if I straight up ask, she might say “no,” and that would hurt. He also thinks that I don’t try to meet her needs first, she’ll end up leaving me—and that will hurt even worse.

I say little 5-year-old because that’s as far back as I’ve traced it. Patterns and tendencies like being a “nice guy” derive from childhood, before our brains were fully developed.

My parents loved me and provided everything I could’ve ever needed materially speaking. They showered me with gifts on Christmas and filled our pantry with food. They showed up to my soccer games and cared about my grades in school. But they didn’t know how to show up for me emotionally, beyond trying to “fix” how I was feeling.