3 things I would never do in my relationship

...as a therapist who works with men and couples.

Here’s another “Advice from a therapist” post! If you upgrade your subscription ($5/month), you’ll get a bonus post like this most weeks (when I’m not too burned out from seeing therapy clients).

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This week’s question from a subscriber is...

Glad I found your page. I’ve been looking for relationship advice specifically for men for years and it’s hard to find. Where do I start?

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Totally relate. The advice I’ve seen is usually focused on dating or that “masculine-feminine polarity” stuff that in my experience is more harmful than helpful.

There are three bits of advice I’ve picked up along the way that I swear by and tell my therapy clients all the time. I’m going to describe them as things never to do...

1. Never go to bed angry (or at least without acknowledging it)

This advice is as age-old wisdom for a reason. If you’re feeling some kind of way toward your partner, talk about it as soon as you can. If now is not the best time to bring it up—because there’s some other responsibility to take care of or you need more time to process your feelings—still try to let them know. “Hey, I can’t right now but I’d like to talk tomorrow about that fight we had.”

It doesn’t have to be anger. It can be simply feeling disconnected. “Hey, I’m feeling like there’s something going on between us. How are you feeling?”

The longer I hide my feelings and try to work them out on my own, the more stories and assumptions about my partner my brain comes up with. The more that happens, the more I start resenting and blaming her for how I feel. And resentment is the silent killer of relationships.

2. Never leave the important things to spontaneity

Life in a capitalist society is busy. Too busy. If you don’t schedule date nights, intimacy, or whatever’s important in your relationship, they’ll fall through the cracks of your busy day.

Put it on a shared calendar. Make it a routine. Or at least say, “Hey, let’s do a date night this Wednesday.” That might seem unromantic, but structure is often the best catalyst for spontaneity and creativity.

My partner and I have a standing date night on Thursdays. Sometimes we want to try a new restaurant. Other times we need to talk through something heavy (see #1). Other times we want to have sex. Other times we just want to cuddle.

Having it on the calendar creates a container for whatever we’re needing in the relationship in that moment. It keeps work, Netflix, social events, working on the house, cleaning the dishes, haggling with insurance companies, and all the other “adulting” from getting in the way of what really matters.